Land and Boys

I sit tonight  in my bed with a laptop popped open, a kid leaning on my shoulder, one kid on my legs, the tv on, computer on, dogs barking, kids screaming, shower running, noise-chaotic-filled home. I have a billion thoughts running through my mind at a million miles a minute. I can't complete one thought.

I bounce between praying through difficult situations dear friends are facing to how I am going to thin down what is in my storage room so that I can move into a home with zero space...do I take the crib I know I don't need anytime soon? Do I donate the keepsakes I have held onto  for 14 years? Do I really need that random box of cords (my husband will say yes.)? It's all so much.

Two weeks ago we signed a contract on a house that is 10 miles from our current home. If you follow me on FB or YouTube then you have already seen my updates. The reality of going from a 3.400 square foot home to a 2,200 home. Which is everything my heart desires. I truly believe we are "going home" for the first time in our marriage. I have never felt anything quite like it. It is a dream come true for both us. Land. Boys. Land and boys. they just go together and we so desperately want to change our lifestyle.

Kevin and I have dreamed of land since we said "I do.." it was always something we talked about, and then when we had 4 boys it became even more a dream. However, what really stirred this fast pace move that has literally taken our breath away was wanting to buy a travel trailer to start some new adventures with our boys.

We are part of a camp loving community and we have fallen in love with it. We show up at a campsite and set our tamed boys free into the wild and watch them come alive. We knew we wanted this as part of our lives. We had new dreams of traveling the US with them and creating deep memories and bonds as a family. We have seen some of our closest friends do it and seen how much it has benefitted and changed their lives...we wanted in.  So on the hunt we went for a used,sleeps 6, trailer... and we soon realized that financially we just could not afford to take our saving to pay for it. Kevin is not a huge fan of financing things we don't absolutely have to.  So we paused.

Then one night at dinner I said to my Calm "Babe, I have this thought, and its going to sound totally and completely crazy..." There was no shock on his face, because I don't do many things or say many things that shock him...."What if we sell everything we have, buy land...and put a trailer on it and slowly build our dream?" I can't honestly remember what his reaction was, I do know it was NOT shock...it was agreement, peace....dreams.

So we started looking, we went and saw properties...we started researching, we started asking questions and finding out whether or not we could actually do this....and reality?  We couldn't.  To build in Fayette county is so difficult and the more researched the more we realized there was no way we could actually afford to build.

So we paused.

And then Kevin sent me a property....in Brooks.  See, we had visited a house in brooks about a year ago, but that house was really really far out and I didn't love the lay of the land, they had cut all the trees down...So that was my impression of Brooks...Far away, bare land.

I want woods, shade, trees...

I'll never forget loading all the kids in the van and telling them we were going to visit another plot of land...all the question...bless it.  As we pulled into the driveway something happened in my heart...and when I rounded the corner and saw my husband walking the property I knew he loved it.  Oh we all fell in love. The house, the pool, the trees...all of it. It was all so much we have always wanted. We left dazed and amazed and totally overwhelmed because I think we both knew we couldn't let it go.

It meant a lot of things, we were going to have to go through a lot of changes. We knew that it would be a trade off and not an easy one. We have some of the dearest of dearest friends 4.5 miles from us. We trade kids like trading cards...
We have the best babysitter in the history of babysitters...she is a dream, and I couldn't imagine taking the house if she couldn't come with it. (HA..)
We have some of the sweetest neighbors who have my boys over to play weekly...
It was a lifestyle change and we know it isn't going to be an easy one...

However, for the first time in 14 years Kevin and I feel permission to put down roots. To say yes to GA, to raising our kids with a community we have come to love and couldn't imagine living without... To building a home for the boys to come back to over the years...we are saying YES to more things then we had to say CHANGE to.

So in two weeks we will be sleeping in our new (hopefully) forever home. My heart can't even take all of the thankfulness this will mean. We are overwhelmed everys single step we take we feel the peace of Jesus all over it.

You can follow my updates and videos of the kids on YouTube...the kids are so proud we a have a "YouTube Channel..." I do love updating and know we will love to have it to look back on.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdSMVd28GTywSg9CwiAY9CQ?view_as=subscriber

You can also follow us on InstaGram... Tanner Crew-

Storms that for a Moment Calm.

Glory to betsy it's been a while...this is why I could never be a professional author or blogger....well that and I just had to correct my spelling on author...there is no e. Bless.

Since my last post life has been so extra sweet. Both boys doing so unbelievably well. Unbelievably. Well. I sometimes feel like the last year is filled with brief nightmares but that's all it was...brief. I look at my growing boys today and I see strong, courageous, wild, boys. They are taking on the world and I am so excited I get to be on the sidelines watching them play the game of their lives.

Medicine is still a part of our everyday but it is not a focal point of our day. It is but a moment, in fact it's such not a big deal that they hop in the kitchen and dispense medicine to each other and move on. We are not fearful or held captive by the small bottle that has provided a bit of stability in our lives. It is not lost on me that that small little bottle was a miracle by Jesus. What was once intimidating and scary has become the catapult for health and living life to the fullest! One without fear, anxiety, anger and confusion. Medicine, it is a gift, it is a light, it is a small raft in the raging storms....But the sun and calm waves we are experiencing in this season, well that alone is Jesus.  He provided a raft then turned to the angry seas and said "May it be calm."

We might experience the waves pick up again, I have no doubt the the storm may rage again, that is what this life is...raging storms and calming seas. And sometimes it's both, raging storms and a peace that you can't explain through the raging storm.

So whats next. Well, we will continue this moment and not change anything just yet. One of the boys was doing so amazing that we thought we could drop the medication to half, however, we both- he and us- realized that no, it was not time and he needed the extra half. We celebrated that we could communicate this and moved on. Done and Done.

It is hard to believe that my once 3,3,2, and 1 year olds are now almost 9, 8, 6, 5 year olds! Let me tell you friends, we are in a new season. A new season of sleeping past 6 am, of getting dressed, putting on shoes, cleaning rooms, putting away laundry, eating full meals at the dinner table, sports, independence and one who continually asks "Think I'll go through the 'Big change' this year?" Which my sister so creatively named for puberty. Bless it all. Literally he comes to my face shoves his armpit and my nose and wants to know- "Does it smell like the big change mom?"  Glory Bless. I always say "No son, and stop rushing it...you will be awkward and stink for many years- lets not go there just yet."

School. Well, if you didn't know 4 Wild Oaks will be bringing home two more students. Karsten and Asa will joined the crew this year. Who knew. I absolutely adore having them home.

******Disclosure*******
                            This is the part of the post where I so kindly (Boldly, grab your face, make eye contact and make sure you HEAR me) tell you that homeschooling is NOT for everyone. And if you choose public, private, charter or whatever school, you are doing the RIGHT thing. You can't read this and think "Oh gosh I should be homeschooling..." If this provides guilt in your heart close out now and STOP reading.

Seriously. STOP IT. Do not compare. Do not question. Do not doubt.  We do that enough on Fakebook and Instafake.


*************

Now, We have not actually started school and we will not be starting until after Jaden's birthday on August 14th, why? Because I can...we can...and (I) want to.

This year will be a big year, I am not absolutely even sure I can homeschool all 4...and I have to teach two of them to read and one to write well...that is huge. So the pressure feels much higher as I approach our second year. But overall, I love them home, I don't get tired of them...

Back that train up....

I get tired of the bickering, fighting, picking, crying, screaming, fussing, complaining, never ending brotherly fights.....

And if we are going to be honest and real- which you know I will, I have a lovely little pill I swallow every night that helps with the above listings.

But I actually genuinely love having them home with me. I love being apart of their learning and actually learning right along side of them. I am memorizing my multiplication facts just as they are. So for this year I have such a peace that this is the best thing for each of them. Next year? I can't even go there.

Jesus is always so patient and grace filled when it comes to this very inconsistent, fearful, and not always obedient daughter. I am so thankful that He catches me each and everyday as I stumble, fall and crawl my way through this life.

Diagnosed. A Chapter in a Book.

We are on a journey, one where we find answers, some answers we don't want, and another where no answers seem to be found and puzzle pieces seem to be from different puzzles.

We had our suspicions ...but there it was, in black in white we a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. Seeing it burned my eyes with tears. It didn't change my child, it didn't make him any different, it didn't change my love for him or our hearts desire for him...but there it was and I couldn't escape it.

See, we didn't get testing so we could label our kids or put them in a box of description that would hold and freeze them there forever. No. Never. We didn't get a diagnosis so we could medicate and move on. No. Never. We didn't get a diagnosis because we wanted one or so we could understand our child more...No. Never. 

I understand my child, because I am chosen to be his mother. 

WE sought out answers so we could equip him better, so we could fight for him harder, so we could prepare him for this world that can be hard and hateful. We only sought answers so that we could do the absolute BEST thing for our child. But nonetheless, you seek diagnosis and answers to things that perplex you and sometimes when you walk through that door you wish you could shut it, pad lock it, and run from it forever. It just seems so overwhelming.

The diagnosis...A diagnosis...Hell...ANY diagnosis does NOT define who we are...I know this, we all know this...we say this on repeat it seems after any diagnosis.  However, it does not change that a diagnosis is hard. This broken world of sickness...is hard.

I breathed. Deep breath in and out, I paused.

Kevin and I shared the hardness and brokenness in it.  

You can say all the positive you want to a person who receives a diagnosis, you can cheer the greatest cheer, but sometimes the greatest cheerleaders...are silent right before a big moment. This was that big moment. We just needed a moment.

We knew the truths,

God is faithful,
There is hope in Him
This is not a definition of your child
This is a perspective and opinion of man's view.
God does not see autism....

We stand on those truths, we believe those truths, WE have always BELIEVED those truths.

But grieving something for your child does not mean I do NOT believe those things. Wishing something different for my child does not mean I do NOT believe those things. Having moments where you wish your child didn't have to face hardships that you know will come...does not mean I do NOT believe those things.

I DO. 

Grief and sorrow...they are good, because they push you to be real, to be sensitive, to know how to truly cry out before Jesus, and to long more for Jesus to come. Grief and sorrow, they are special glasses that make you see things in this world with compassion and love easier. To realize that not all is perfect or shaded by the best filter.

A diagnosis is not easy, but, it is not a defining, its not the end...it's a chapter in the book. A reason to talk, to research, to try. It's a part of the journey that maybe rocky and hard and we might fall on our knees as we climb this Mount Everest...but that view.

Worth every step, every fall, every valley, every peak, every rock, and twist and turn. 

Worth it ALL.

We are going to walk this journey. And we will most likely walk it as publicly as we can. I don't share my children's names but that is only because one day it will be their story to tell...I can only tell it from my point of view right now. But I can promise you if you email me, or call me, or text me...I will write you back. Because I am not ashamed of our journey...I am proud.  I will share any part of my journey as you walk yours, and I can promise you...When you need it, I will be that silent cheerleader for you. Because you know what, we all need that sometimes.


A journey publicly, is a journey not alone.

~Beth