Walking the Journey

Being the Girl I hated

2011-12-20T07:36:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I had my weekly OB appointment. The last few visit feel like an out of body experience for me and yesterday topped them all. As I sat their waiting to be called back I sat next to a young 19 year old girl who ended up sharing with me her struggle with endometriosis. They are talking about doing a complete hysterectomy on her at her young age, a decision that will impact her life forever. I can't even imagine.

Then my name got called and I walked back and did the routine checks. The nurse looked at me and said "Beth you are picture perfect..." Oh my, words I have never really heard before, not even with Ty. As I turned to leave I glanced behind me where they do their blood testing, and there before my eyes sat a young girl crying with her husband. She caught my eyes and I saw her glance at my stomach and quickly look away. My heart dropped...I knew all to well what she was facing.

I stood up to leave and tried hard to hide my belly and walk as quickly as I could because I knew in that moment I was a girl she hated. And I totally understand and receive those emotions from her, she has every right...

I remember the day we found out about our molar pregnancy, all I wanted to do was get out of that office, the office that now held all my fears, all my anger, all my sadness... and yet there I had to sit across from a very pregnant lady who was getting the news that she was "picture perfect..." while I got the news that my baby was no longer. I hated her in that moment. I did not care what her story was, or the journey she was on, all I knew is that she had what I desperately wanted and I did not understand why her and not me.

Now years later I sit on the side that I spent so much time hating. I hated the birth announcements, I hated the pregnancy news, I hated baby showers and baby departments at stores. I avoided pregnant bellies like they were the plague, and I left any conversation that had to do with babies...and now here I sit...on the other side.

I have said it before but because of my experiences I have been robbed me of my innocents. Now as I sit on the other side I am forever grateful that the Lord has granted me with this gift, yes gift, because in that moment for that young woman crying I could pray for her, sympathize with her, and do everything I could to stay clear of her so that I did not in force more pain.

I find myself doing this always. When I am out shopping I notice the women who look away...and I embrace that, I don't take offense, I notice and pray for them.

I don't know friends why I sit on the other side now, I don't know, but I am humbled beyond words. I can promise you though that I remember feeling and honestly really believing that a normal pregnancy was never going to happen to me...no not me... But God is a big God, with Big plans and I believe He really does grant us with our hearts desires. So friend, if you are on the other side looking at me thinking "that will never be me..." please know I remember and I am desperately praying you onto this side...

Joy and Sorrow

2011-12-11T07:00:00.003-05:00

Last night we attended a beautiful wedding. It was such a honor to be apart of this particular wedding, watching this sweet couple unite. The young brides journey has touched and impacted lives around her, I am not sure she is even aware of. She is a sister, a friend, a daughter and a birthmom. She is the birthmom to the daughter of a very close and dear friend of mine. I couldn't help but get emotional when I would see the two women talk and interact...God is in the midst of every detail and it is amazing to see how far he has brought this young woman and her journey. I was surrounded by joy. My heart overflowed with joy, my spirit was singing praises as I watched this couple celebrate, or as I captured a few candid pictures for them. It was wonderful.

I left the wedding and headed home, took a bath and crawled into bed the joy stepped aside and sorrow filled my heart as I knew what today would bring for another dear friend.

On January 8, 2010 a little boy took his first breath in heavens presence. He was born into this world sleeping. My heart aches for this precious couple. I have watched the dad grow into a man after Gods heart. From 10th grade on, I have seen this young man be captivated by Gods abundant love...Although our journeys have not crossed in many years he is one I enjoy keeping up with on Facebook. Watching his journey continue to unfold has brought such moments of praise in my life. I knew he and his wife were expecting and I also knew we were very close in our due dates. I would occasionally hop onto his profile to see if the sweet baby boy had entered into the world. As her due date came and went, my anticipation grew...until a few comments were posted on his wall and I instantly knew...and my heart begin grieving for this couple.

Today they will bury their first born...sorrow, such heavy sorrow. And here as I type this out I am pregnant, with a son...my joy, their sorrow. Oh Lord we long for your return. Every time I feel sweet baby Karsten kick and move I pray for this family, every time I feel pain or discomfort, I pray for this family.

The sorrow that surrounds my love ones right now takes my breath away. It really does make me cry out to the Lord for His sweet return. Until then all I can do is pray Gods peace over these families who are grieving in ways I can't imagine. My dearest friends Dan and Wendy grieving the loss of their son of 22 years, my sweet friend grieving the loss of the son who never took a breath, my dear wonderful girl friends grieving the loss of their angel babies...the list seems to overwhelming...

Yet, there is joy, I will never understand how the two walk hand in hand but they do. Joy and sorrow...only a few steps away, never far from one another. This season of Christmas has meant more to me then any of the seasons past. I can't explain to you my heart to share the HOPE and JOY of Christ to everyone who will turn a listening ear. This season we all need joy for everyone of us has or is experiencing sorrow, the joy my friends is in the birth of our Savior. We can rejoice, for Christ is born, and with Christ comes hope, healing, peace, comfort, and...Joy!

Writing Again...

2011-12-02T07:40:00.004-05:00

I am so ready to write again. I still find it so interesting that through the grief of losing Daniel all I could really do is be silent. I still find myself heavy with grief that takes my breath away- I just miss him. I am still praying that God would release words to write Daniels story. When I think about writing it my heart pounds and my mind races, to me this means the time is not right. I know God will open that door to my heart with words that will only be from Him...I don't want to move a moment to quickly.

So I need to just catch up on the ends and outs of life...

I have 3 glorious weeks and 4 days until baby Karsten enters this world. Am I ready? Physically...YES!!! Emotionally....hmmm, he can stay in there as long as he likes! I am excited to meet this little man, and I will miss his movements and dancing. I will miss the pregnant belly, but I think my boys (especially Jaden) will be thankful they can crawl up in mommy's lap a little better :). Overall this pregnancy has been nothing but a blessing with very few hiccups. I am forever grateful and thankful every time I enter the ob- the place that was filled with pain and frustration that is now filled with joy and excitement. I am not sure why God has blessed me so and all I can do is thank Him over and over again.

I am really enjoying the Christmas season this year. Something about little kids that just makes it magical. We are not focusing on Santa at all with the boys, we figure we will see where they personally go with it, but we are not making a big deal about him. We are however trying hard to really teach them the celebration of Jesus birthday. We proudly hung Jesus birthday banner in Jaden's room and we love to pull out their nativity scene and play with it. We sing happy birthday and give baby Jesus lots of Kisses. We are also doing an Advent Calendar with them this year...I love starting these traditions that I pray impact their lives forever.

We decided to celebrate Ty's birthday a little early, this Saturday. I knew I would not be able to do much right after Karsten is born and this way he gets a celebration. So this Saturday we are having just a few people over to help us throw a very small but very special 2nd birthday for Ty! This is better suited for Ty anyway- he is not much for big crowds or lots of people...although he is doing so much better in this area! Ty is really starting to talk more too, it also warms my heart to see him follow his brother around and he absolutely loves to do anything that Jaden is doing!

Jaden is talking up a storm and communicating in ways that amaze us. There are so many times we look at each other and say "did you teach him that?" to which we both reply "nope." Ahh, thanks Nick Jr. for teaching my child right now. Yup, Nick Jr. is a staple in my home, especially when we are all sick and it is painful for me to move. I keep reminding myself that these months and days are just a season, it will not be like this forever... Anyway, my favorite phrases right now that Jaden says are "Momma I Loooooove you!" and "Momma, look at that..." or "Momma where is T-rex? Oh right there..." And yes it is a clear as that, yet in his very cute little voice!

To say I am beyond blessed really does not describe how I truly feel. I am excited to write more hopefully. God has laid a few new things to really share about, but again when the time is right. For now I must go check on two quiet little boys, which means they are into something!!

Sitting in the Silence

2011-11-01T07:27:00.003-04:00

I have still been struggling to write. I just don't have the words to say what my heart is crying out. This grief of missing Daniel is different then any other grief I have experienced. It is not like the loss of the babies and in some ways it is a greater, deeper pain. I think because every time I hurt I think about what Dan and Wendy (Daniel's parents) are experiencing, losing a son of almost 22 years. When I experienced the loss of the pregnancies it was a personal grief to Kevin and I, this grief of Daniel is a wave that runs deep in the hearts of many people- not just me.
It's just so different.

I think one of the reasons I struggle writing is because I am not ready to move beyond to mundane things. I could update the blog about the boys, about things going on in my personal life outside of the grief of Daniel- but to me this feels like moving on...I want to sit in this moment of deep feeling as long as I can...I am not ready for life to be normal- will there ever be a normal with out my Daniel boy?

I am praying that God would grant me the words to write Daniels story- Daniel has an incredible story even up to the moment when God called him home. I know Daniel would want as many people to know about it. Please pray that God would take over one of these days and release the words on to paper- it can't be anything of me it must be all of Him.

For now that is why I am quiet...because for now when the boys are distracted and I am not needed, I sit in silence with the Lord and let my heart grieve the way it wants to. Sometimes this is deep mourning and tears and sometimes I celebrate what Daniel is doing in the presence of the Almighty King.

Today- it is missing my brother-

One Breath at a Time

2011-10-06T15:06:00.002-04:00

I think I am struggling with writing because I don't know how to properly describe our Daniel. I want each of you to understand just how remarkable this young man was...but how can I do that with simple words in a blog? Anyway, I found this post I wrote about him several years ago...

Thursday, January 29, 2009
Daniel Bradley

I have been thinking and in prayer for a long time about this post but sometimes I don’t know how to express what is my heart. The post I am about to write about is about the life of a 19 year old boy (I can’t use “man” even though that is what he is!!) named Daniel.

I have known Daniel for his entire life, his parents and my parents are best friends, and have been for over 20 years. I can remember feeling Daniel kick in Wendy’s (his mom) womb. Daniel has an older brother named David. David and Daniel grew up with us and we have always referred to them as our brothers, for truly in my heart that is what they are.

At a young age Daniel was diagnosed with DMD (Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy). That will be the last time I will ever write out the diagnoses, for we hate speaking the disease that I know the Lord does not see when He looks down over Daniel. The world needs a description and likes to place labels that do not belong on our lives (just like infertility in mine…). If you spend much time in Daniels life you will see that he and his family NEVER speak this word, they do not allow the description of the “world” to describe their lives. They always speak truth from Gods words, and they claim those of which Christ speaks, not what Doctors may say! I only write it out now so you understand how the world perceives Daniel.

However for 19 years I have walked along side of Daniel in a way I never imagined. I never imagined the Lord allowing me to be a part of such an amazing miracle and an amazing young man’s life. Although Daniel is the one in need of prayer, he is often times the one that prays for others. Daniels life is really about serving the Lord, speaking truth, and bringing people closer to his savior, that is his family’s mission in life.

Even now as I write I am frustrated, I do not feel as though there are the right words to describe all that is in my heart about this family, about this life, about this journey, and about all that God has done and is about to do. It is amazing that I can question Gods healing in my own life, but when I look at Daniel I do not question what God can do; I can see it, I can picture God raising Daniel out of the wheel chair, I can see Daniel walking and preaching the truth of the Gospel, I Can see it with EVERYTHING that is within me.

Sometimes we have to walk the rugged rocks and the hard path to see the mountain view, to see the face of God, to see his hand, his work, his amazing love…. If you had the easy path would you really ever see the love of God? That is how I see Daniel, he is walking the hardest of hard journeys, but when you look into the face of Daniel or the face of his family, you truly look into the face of God. I know that it is nothing of them; they give all the glory to the one who deserves it- God.

I am inviting you to come along side of Daniel, not only in prayer but in also spreading his story! I truly believe that impact and calling on Daniels life is just beginning, God has mighty things and a special call on this young man’s life… don’t you want to come along? The more people that hear about his story the more hope and faith we can spread, and the more prayer Daniel will have for his healing. Please be a part of his journey by checking into his blog- leave comments, he LOVES to hear from you!

I am not sure if my faith would be where it is now if it was not for the life and ministry of this family.

My Daniel Boy

2011-09-26T07:41:00.001-04:00

Usually writing is what brings healing to my heart. It is what I did through each loss and each passing month of trying to get pregnant. Facing my grief through words of my heart. However, I am having a hard time writing through my grief this time. I am having a hard time formulating my words. I want to write a post describing to everyone in the world just who Daniel was, why I loved him so much, how he was more then a friend; he was my brother. I want to tell the stories of growing up together, I want to find words to help describe the righteous man he was...but I can't see through my emotions to even begin doing this.

I am praying it will come, because I want to have these words documented and kept forever. For now it is important for people to know that I lost a very best friend and brother. It is important for people to know that Daniel J. Bradley went to be with the Lord September 24th. God graciously called Daniel in his sleep, no suffering. It is important for people to pray for David his older brother, Wendy his mom and Dan, his father who lived his life serving his son.

My heart hurts beyond any pain I could ever find words to describe...

Whats in a Name

2011-09-15T07:56:00.003-04:00

I have loved picking out names for all my babies! When we found out we were pregnant for the first time we knew instantly that something was not right because I was bleeding so heavily. I just took a pregnancy test on a whim at the suggestion from my mom. Turns out that pregnancy test saved my life. 2 weeks later at 2am on a Thursday morning we said goodbye to our first son. I had told my mom I was going to name him after my dad "Eddie." Turns out Eddie means Richly Blessed. I did not feel richly blessed during that time, but looking back what a fitting name for my journey!

Almost a year later we found out we were pregnant again! This pregnancy was quickly dubbed a miracle, and no one surrounding me saw or expected it to be anything less then that. 10 weeks into the pregnancy we discovered that it was a molar pregnancy. I remember that night at 4am I awoke and the grief had finally hit me like a wave and I wept desperately in my husbands arms. I didn't think I would be able to take my next breath. We had just gone through a series in church on Praise, and the name Judah was brought up several times. So, at 4am we named our second son "Judah," Praise. I did not feel like praising at that time...

I had chosen the name Jaden early on and started claiming him by name. "Jaden," Jehovah has heard. I knew that no matter how God would bring this little boy into our lives that it would be because God had heard my deepest cry and longing! And so a year after Judah we found out about our Jaden Daniel! What a blessing my Jaden has been, and his name has truly describe his story and blessing in our lives!

The very next day after Liesl had chosen us we found out we were pregnant with our miracle baby. We found out 13 weeks into our pregnancy that it was a boy, and we had already discussed what we would name him. Tyler Woolley is Liesl's older brother and one of the biggest reasons I believe Jaden exist today. He brought our names to Liesl, and helped her make the choice to give Jaden to us. We could never put into words just what Tyler meant to us, but we knew that our son would be honored to have his "uncles" name! And so sweet "'Tyler (Ty)" James, honorable, was brought into our lives. And honorable describes both Tylers in my life!

Never in a million years did I ever imagine I would be picking out a 5th little boys name. I can't even put into words what this pregnancy and baby means to me, he truly is the "more the you could ask or imagine" part of my journey! We researched and researched names until God finally led me to the name of my 5th son: "Karsten," anointed one. Karsten David has already made his impact in our lives, journey and story. I feel so honored and blessed to be a mom of such a mighty army of men. I believe with my whole heart that our calling is to raise up these boys to be warriors for God's Kingdom- what a calling and honor- more then I could of ever asked...

3 years ago I laid on an operating table and heard God whisper to my heart "wait and see what I have for you Beth..." And every tear, heartache, and rocky climb was worth this mountain view!

Not my ways...His

2011-09-01T14:25:00.002-04:00

"Man can plan his path but the Lord directs his steps." Proverbs 16:9This verse is so embedded into my heart. It is one of those theme verses that God gave me years and years ago that He ever so gently whispers to me in difficult times. I don't know how many times I make plans, decide how things are going to go, find comfort in my future thoughts and decisions only to have them come crashing down with a tidal wave from God. I find myself at His feet with my broken plans and conceptions and lots of times hopes and dreams, and have to tell Him how sorry I am for trying to force something that was never intended. I am constantly giving over my life to Him, for His glory and purpose and sometimes...well it just hurts.

I have sat down over the course of the last month to write this blog to you. I know my blog is not a very read blog, I don't have a lot of followers, but those of you have chosen to come along the journey with me have impacted my life forever. I always pray that God would use my journey to speak to others, it is His story anyway, and I believe He has. I know I am not always graceful with my words, and I know that my grammar and spelling are off the charts bad (sorry all you editors out there), my desire for writing overshadows my learning disabilities in this area and I am thankful for that! This particular blog is one of those I feel so led to write about but am grappling to find the words to use. So with that said please know I am trying to write this blog with as much sensitivity as I can, I am open to further discussion or questions if you were to have them but I do ask that you email them to me please.

As you know my sweet Jaden's birthday was this past month. It was a celebration for sure, of his life, story and purely of just who Jaden is and is becoming! It was also our opportunity to spend some time with our sweet girl Liesl (Birth-mom). I can't believe that we have known Liesl for three years now. Amazing. Going into open adoption I truly went into it with open arms and an open heart. I did not realize before Jaden was born the emotions I would experience once this dream became reality.

Before Jaden was born I built a wonderful relationship with Liesl, we connected on so many levels and it was so easy for me to love her. She shared her past choices and wants for the future. She truly loves Jaden and wants the best for him. Knowing this and knowing some of Liesl's past decisions we made some guidlines regarding some of her choices and the effects they could have over Jaden. We made it clear that if these choices were made we would have no other choice but to limit the contact between her and Jaden. Over the course of the last two years we have had to inforce those guidlines even when it hurt to do so.

The weekend of Jaden's birthday was a realization to ALL of us including Liesl that somethings needed to change in our overall open adoption. There are some life changes that Liesl has to make in order to have the relationship that is healthy for both Jaden and her. It was hard conversations that we had to have over the course of the 4 days she was here. There were many tears and heartache but overall the decisions were made in love and openness on both ends. As much as I want to be the one to stand along side of my sweet girl and help her through these tough choices and decisions I have come to realize that my main priority and call in all of this is not to parent Liesl but to parent Jaden. It is not easy because my love for Liesl is so great.

I went into this with great hopes and expectations and for right now my open adoption does not look at all like what I thought it would. I am so thankful that God protects us even when we don't realize we need the protection. I may of gone into this with greatest of intentions but in the end GOD knows what is best for Jaden and Liesl. He knows what their relationship should look like regardless of what I wanted, or even Liesl wanted it to look like.

I stand back amazed by Gods ever moving ever flowing grace and sufficiency. This particular goodbye with Liesl was one of the hardest because we are not sure when we will be reunited with her again. She has a mountain to climb and it is hard to not want to pull her up it so she can see the mountain view, but she is going to have to do it herself. It is hard to step back and let God be in control of that and to trust that no matter what happens He will sustain all of us through and in it.

So, I know that this probably open up a million questions, but please understand that I want to protect my sweet girl and my sweet little boy. Somethings and details really don't matter. You can know that we will take any prayers you are willing to pray, Liesl has a hard journey ahead of her and I know she would welcome any and all prayers. This also means that my openness about open adoption will probably take a back seat until God reveals that part of the story to us. I will still write as openenly as I can about adoption and my emotions in it but I will probably refrain from sharing much about Liesl and her relationship with Jaden at this time.

I step back and once again hand over the pen to allow God to continue to write the most beautiful story that only He could form words for!

2011-08-25T06:20:00.003-04:00

My Jaden Boy...what words do you use to celebrate this life that has forever changed yours? Jaden is my first born son, my heart and soul and the one to first call me "momma." He is more then I could ever dreamed of and blesses me in ways I never thought possible. The past week we celebrated his second birthday, I can't believe it has been two years. Those years have been filled with so many amazing moments I don't think there are words that could ever really describe them. Here is the awesome video Kevin put together celebrating this past year!!

Two Worlds

2011-07-29T08:09:00.003-04:00

The losses I experienced have forever marked and changed my life. I will never be the same girl I was before I ever tried to get pregnant. I am thankful for the change and embrace it with open arms, even to this day. I have said it before, once you walk the journey of loss or infertility it robs you of your innocence, I don't reject this I have really learn to embrace it.

I think one of the greatest reasons I had to take a break from blogging after the boys came was because I did not know how to collide the two worlds. This is something I still deal with. I know that my joy is someones sorrow. When we found out we were adopting so many were excited, yet even that I remember caused one of my closest and dearest friend pain. She had also walked the path of adoption only to leave it with empty arms of a failed adoption. Then on top of it all I found out I was pregnant, while she too experienced a pregnancy only to lose it. It has forever changed our friendship and I completely understand why, again my joy being her sorrow.

I have am so cautious about my pregnancy, about pregnancy announcements, about baby talk, about my symptoms or any and everything in between. I don't update Facebook with my latest pregnancy thoughts...in fact I have yet to announce to the facebook world about this pregnancy. Why? Because my innocence in pregnancy is gone, I know the pain a facebook status can cause, I know the announcement will bring tears to someones eyes, I know the wants and desires that are out there so why would I knowingly put pain into someones life or path. I don't reject this, I embrace it. I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity to understand a taste of the world of loss and infertility, because I now can pray for these girls, can encourage or stay away the best that I can.

The reality of it is though, I cannot protect them from the pain. For instance, their are several women pregnant in our church right now...but there are just as many women dealing with a recent loss, daily reality of infertility, or silently dealing with the want and desires of a child. I am aware of several of these women, I stand on the side of joy, knowing their sorrow...so what can I do? I long to protect them from the constant talk of pregnancies, to shelter them from the constant Facebook announcements, and ultimatly give them their greatest joy, but all I can really do is give them a simple knowing smile, or a tighter hug and of course my prayers.

I stand on the other side, but my losses never go away. I stand on the other side, but my innoncence is gone. I stand on the other side, begging God to allow each of those girls to join me on the side of joy.

But until then, I stand on the other side offering every bit of encouragement, hope and support I can give. Because I remember the tears, pain and suffering..it never really goes away.

Finding Contentment

2011-07-25T22:06:00.002-04:00

It is easy to find contentment when everything in life is going the way you want it to, and really how often does that happen? And so we find contentment to be a fleeting moment, here one second and gone the next.

When I was going through our journey of trying to have a child, I found myself in the most discontent position ever. It seemed that the only thing in life that would make me happy was having a child, and if I was not going to have a child then I was going to live a very discontent life. Of course you feel this way, and honestly of course God knows we are going to feel this way, He did design us...However, I believe it is what we do with the discontent that either breaks the heart of God, or gives Him the most glory.

I remember finally coming to a place in the journey, when I was able to give it over to the Lord. I submitted it to His hands and placed the desire upon the alter. And it was a real moment, it was not a moment where I was thinking "If I do this then...well then God will give me what I want..." Nope. it was a true sacrifice, one that took a daily walk, climb and battle to the alter to lay it back down again and again and again.

I can remember having many conversations with Kevin about how if God did not give us a child then I knew in the depths of my heart that He had something greater for us...something that would bring us joy that surpassed all understanding. It did not mean the ache, or want was not there it just meant that I was going to stop living my life thinking that having a child was the only thing that would make me happy. It was in that moment that God was able to bring sweet Liesl into our lives, who in return gave us the greatest gift of Jaden, and the next day the surprise of Ty.

Now, it was not always this way- it took me a lot of tears and anger to come to this place...it was not something that happen over night, it was something that took place over a lot of time. It is also amazing how you quickly drop back into a life of discontentment, which honestly is where I have been. I have been discontent with where God has us with Kevin's job. It is not an easy place to be when the future is so unknown, but honestly every tomorrow is unknown.

Our Pastor taught an incredible message last night at church as he finished up His series on the 10 commandments...I highly recommend you listening to it if you have the chance HERE (Laws for Life #6). Anyway he really encouraged us to be content in the now, being content in the now allows God to bring the greater blessings, ones you did not even know you needed or wanted.
1 Timothy 6:6 "But godliness with contentment is great gain."

Timothy even goes onto to say that we brought nothing into the world, and we can't anything out. God is faithful to provide for the today, so why are we so consumed with the tomorrow? And why is it that He provided for us yesterday yet we worry about today? God has proven Himself time and time again to me in ways I never imagined or could dream of, yet I am concerned about a job? No, today I lay it all down and live content in moment.

First of Many on Open Adoption

2011-07-08T07:41:00.005-04:00

Lately my thoughts have been consumed with my sweet Jaden Boy! I know the reason, he will be turning 2 in 4 weeks and I am in awe of that reality. I can't believe it has been 2 years since we brought home this bundle of joy. I can't believe how far God has brought us and all we have learned about adoption, open adoption, and family the last 2 years. And I can't even imagine what the next several years will bring us and teach us.

As I look back over the last 2 years of Jadens life it is not at all what I ever expected. Jaden is beyond my hopes and dreams, he is more then I ever expected and blesses me to the core everyday. I did not expect to love him as much as I do, I know that sounds crazy but my love for him overwhelms me at times. Jaden's name means "Jehovah has heard" and Jadens existence in my life is a daily reminder that God really does hear the deepest cries of our hearts, the ones we don't even know about.

As I think over Jaden's adoption it too has left me speechless and it has been nothing like what I expected. For starters open adoption was so easy to talk about when Jaden was an idea, a thought, a dream. I am thankful for this, I am thankful that God gave me a heart for Liesl from the moment I learned of her. I am thankful that God protected my heart from myself and I was able to freely walk into an open adoption with Liesl with little to no expectation of what I would really feel when Jaden would enter this world.

We had little to no counselling when it came to what to expect after Jaden would enter the world. The only counselling I received was as we entered the hospital, the adoption agency told me that this was Liesl's time, to let her set the pace, let her have Jaden as often as she needed...this would be the only time in her life that she would be the "mom" and she needed time to grieve and say goodbye. It was wise advice for our situation and I am thankful for it to this day. I am also thankful that once again God wrapped me up in a bubble that I was unaware of and I was able to freely love Liesl and Jaden in a way that was beyond myself, it was clearly God.

So at 3:38am on August 14, 2009 Our (Liesl, Kevin, and my) son entered the world. It still makes me so emotional. I remember them placing Jaden on Liesl and at that point I saw Liesl become a mom, she loved him and you could tell she was even overwhelmed by the love for this little boy. I remember falling into our nurses arms (whose name was Beth and she was truly an angel sent from God) and whispering to her "Pray, please pray for her..." I knew at that moment that this was going to be a journey far beyond my expectations, and it has been.

The days following Jaden's birth I saw Liesl take the step at her own time, I remember the day it happened too and it was not in the hospital, although those moments were there, it was the 3rd day...the day we said goodbye to her. We had taken her to a park, we took pictures, we cried, hugged and then she took Jaden down the hill and stood there with him saying her goodbye. When she returned she look at me and placed him into my arms...there was a moment between us, as she let go of her role and gave it to me. How can I describe in words that moment? I can't because it is not for everyone...

This only the start of my starting to journal my thoughts about open adoption. I hope I can portray and honest and open description of what it has been like. The ups and downs and all the in between. Open adoption is beautiful and a gift from God, but it is not always an easy journey...I also know that our situation is a rare case, and I know that our story will look so different from yours or someone else I am thankful though that God has laid it on my heart to share our story about Liesl and Jaden, because it is a true testimony of our God!

A Trip of Reality

2011-06-28T07:45:00.000-04:00

This weekend I had the amazing privilege to go away for a few days and visit my dear friend Jamie in PA. Being with Jamie is true water to my soul. It refreshes me and blesses me to my core! I got to spend time with her and her sweet little family which includes a 3 year old precious little girl and a 7 week old new little baby boy and of course Brian her husband! Saturday Brian kept the kids so we could spend the day kid free and boy was it amazing. We hit our favorite shops and eat at our favorite places...we become teens again, enjoying life in our own world.

Of course as Jamie and I are together we talk...and talk...and talk. This visit was no different, but actually being in PA, which is where Volvo is moving us, was a reality check for me. Since finding out about the potential of moving I have tried my hardest to embrace it with open arms. Moving is nothing new to Kevin and I and with each move we have been beyond blessed, so this I know would be no different. As Jamie and I processed through my emotions of actually being in PA and seeing what our life could be like...I was shocked at what I discovered. PA is not our home, it does not sit right in my spirit, and this is eye opening for me.

I realized while being in and around PA that Asheville is where I would love to raise my family, we are so invested in the community here and we love our friends and family. Not to mention our church family is one of the biggest reasons we want to put down our roots here, we are invested in our church and believe in their vision and feel extremely connected.

Kevin and I have always said we wanted to go where God would have us go, we did not want to be stubborn in our ways and stay somewhere because it is comfortable...but in this case staying will not be the easy decision..in fact it will be the riskiest decision, but I believe it will be the greatest more rewarding decision as well.

So my prayers for this move have changed.

Lord you know my heart, we want to glorify you, we want to live our lives making your name famous. We want to raise these children in a way that brings them into a relationship with you and gives you honor. So Lord, we want to stay, you have given us a heart for this area and we long to continue being your hands and feet in the ministries you have given to us. We will exhaust every opportunity to stay knowing that at the end of this journey you still may ask us to move. We will not close our ears or heart off, we will keep our eyes open to whatever you have but we ask that you have a job for Kevin here, a house for our family here, and we ask that you make a way for our family to stay!

Parenting These Blessings

2011-06-21T07:43:00.000-04:00

Parenting these two little boys has been beyond a blessing. They are constantly teaching me about love in a way I could never before comprehend. My heart explodes every time one of them calls out "mommmma!!!!!" I tell the boys all the time "if you were not my boys, I would wish that you were..."

Going out in public is also fun, people are constantly asking if they are twins. God is such an amazing and creative God when it comes down to these boys. They really do look like brothers. Ty coming from two dark haired, dark eyed, and dark toned daddy, came into the world with light brown hair and blue eyes and fair skin. Ty is also in the 99% in everything. He is HUGE! He weighs more then Jaden and has bigger feet. Jaden, looks a lot like Liesl. I can't wait to get pictures of them together when she comes for his birthday. What amazes me though is that Jaden with his sandy blond hair and blue eyes, still stands taller then his brother and they wear the same clothes, so they really do favor one another. So this is usually how a conversation in public goes:

Stranger: "aww they are so cute, are they twins?"

Me: "Almost they are 4.5 months apart..."

Stranger (if smart enough to realize that is humanly impossible): "Wow, how is that?"

Me (huge smile on my face): "One is adopted"

Stranger: "Oh wow, what an amazing story, which one is yours?"

Me (who hates hates hates this question..): " they are both mine! If you can't tell then neither can we!"

Stranger: "oh that's sweet...well if I were to guess (yes they really do this) I would say this one (pointing to sweet Jaden!!).

Me: "Sure, He is mine and so is HE (pointing to Ty)

Stranger: "oh... you really are not going to tell us?" (Yes this is most commonly said)

Me: "Nope, have a great day!"

Raising two little boys so close in age also has its challenges as well. Most commonly people say "oh you are a busy mom..." And yes I am, but as I sit here writing this Ty is playing in his room and Jaden is watching Elmo's world. We have figured things out and if we are home things are usually calm and collective (usually...). Now there are those days where I really do feel like I am losing my mind and pulling out my hair, but just like anyone else we have a routine we follow and I find that I am able to function well...we are just doing life together and having two is all I know!

The difficulties I face is being able to really "do" with my boys at this age. I would love to go to story time, swim lessons, the park, a Little Gym, or something similar to these things. The first difficulty is finding the energy to do either of these things with two little boys under two. They are so curious about anything and everything that when we do anything I almost need a second hand to keep up with their busyness. The other hard part of the boys being 4.5 months apart is that they are in completely different developmental stages at the moment. The older they get the smaller the gap will be, but having an almost 18month and almost 24month adds its challenges. Challenges I greatly accept and take but challenges all the same.

I am once again reminded that they are happy boys, they are doing just fine, and they may not be able to do what others kids are able to do and I may not be able to do what other moms maybe able to do, but I don't think my kids are missing out on anything in life...once again God filling in the gaps.

I know that adding a third is just going to add to the fun, and I am ready for it. It may have it challenges, but everyone has their challenges. I am learning to focus in on what I can do and do it to my best ability and leaving the rest up to God!!

Undeserving Love

2011-06-20T09:12:00.002-04:00

I feel so blessed and overwhelmed this morning...but above all of those feelings, the strongest of them all is the feeling that I do not deserve any of this.

I went on a hunt this morning looking for a blog I wrote about two years ago, I know it is there but I could not find the specific one I was looking for. But in the process I relived my journey through those hard days. When I look back and read the words written by a broken girl, my heart breaks all over again...I remember all of those emotions, they never truly go away. What I can't believe is how far God has brought me and how I feel as though I am unworthy of this journey I am walking today.

I never in a million years thought I would even get pregnant and have a healthy baby, much less get pregnant, adopt and get pregnant again...never ever imagined it. I can remember calling out for one baby, why in the world would God bless me with 3 healthy babies?

A couple of months ago I was studying Gods word every single morning. I would awake before the kids at 6am, sit and enjoy an hour of uninterrupted and much needed time with my God. Since becoming pregnant, mornings have not been that friendly to me and finding time to study with Him has become a struggle. I hate that days add up to weeks that add up to months without me going before the Father and seeking His heart and what I hate more is that this seems to be a cycle of my life.

I find that there are months where I can't get enough of Gods words, I can hear Him, feel Him and long for Him...then life takes over...something throws me for a loop and I go right back into the old patterns that I hate where seeking Him seems to be last priority...and then I feel so guilty. Look at what you have blessed me with and all you are doing for me and yet I can't even spend 10min with you?

I am reminded daily that God does not bless us because of our doing, this is the grace of God...we don't even deserve life or our next breath yet He extends it to us because of His love...in the same light just because we are not doing does not mean God is not blessing...there is nothing we can or can't do to make God love us more...

I think in my human nature I feel as though I can manipulate God...thoughts like "well If I do this HE will DO this..." but this is not how our gracious, loving Father works...He says "I love you no matter what you do or don't do, I love you because you are my child that is all you have to do."

So today I feel overwhelmed and blessed...and Loved.

Well Poop!

2011-06-15T14:44:00.002-04:00

I often times hop onto the Internet in the afternoons and scroll through Facebook and my blogs that I follow. Many of the blogs and people I follow are in the same or near the same stage of life of raising a family. I find that I compare myself way to much, do you do this too? I know that people (and even I do this) paint a picture of what they want people to know about their life. However, in the moment this is not what I see, what I see is perfection and I think to myself "oh man she does that with her kids...I need to be like that..."

I scroll through status similar to these (exaggerated...but I think you will get the point)

So and So: is painting with her children while sipping on an ice tea and smelling the dinner that is already cooked, all while admiring the laundry put away and the cleaned house...

So and So: is so thankful I was able to run 6 miles, cook dinner, teach my child to read, all while looking perfect...

So and So: is so amazed by her husband who brought home flowers, stayed up all night with the baby, folded laundry and cleaned the house - all while giving me a massage...

I have to be careful how I let it effect me, I also want to be careful because I do not want to portray my life in this way. I don't want to paint a life of perfection, it is so far from perfect. I also don't want to just complain, because honestly that is just as annoying as the braggers. I want this blog and even my Facebook to be a place of reality...day to day struggles, joys and happiness and even the ups and downs all why giving God the credit and glory!

So today my status would of said:

Beth: was suppose to go to the park and library, however the park alone was enough of a work out, stopped by Chick-fil-a because buying lunch is much easier then making it, brought it home and ate it on the porch because their high chairs still had breakfast on it. Ty had leaked through his diaper so being clever I just took it off and let him run around naked, great idea until I discovered he pooped all over the porch...Jaden sat in it, the dogs stepped in it and I somehow got it all over my leg...all while sitting in sweat pants and drinking a root beer because it is the only satisfying drink...

Reality folks...reality. And now after their nap they are watching Curious George...I am not teaching them to read but I am letting the monkey teach them about how to get on a subway...hmmm....Once again thanking God who fills in the gaps...and thankful for a sense of humor that made me laugh at it all!

Dreams to Reality

2011-06-14T10:32:00.002-04:00

There have been so many moments over the course of the last two years where I could not believe this was my life. Like right now.

As I type this I am sitting on my deck listening to the joys of my boys little voices fill the air. There is nothing quite like it. I try hard to freeze the moment, making it stand still in time. I know one day I will wish with everything inside of me for these days to be back. But there is no going back, there is only going forward. And so I must learn to embrace the moving forward with open arms and a ready heart.

Raising two little boys is a huge responsibility. I long for my boys to be warriors for God, to have hearts that seek Him, and want to know Him. That is my prayer above all other prayers "Lord give them hearts to know you, ears to hear you, life to serve you..." Because at the end of the day this will be the one thing that will carry them through all of lives difficult times.

Ahh yes I sound so spiritual writing all this out, and yes this is my deepest hearts longing, but can I just say that even two years into my parenting I have failed daily, by the moment. I laugh now at my dreams before becoming a mom....I will pray through each situation, I will never allow my anger or frustration to get a hold of me...that I will quote scripture each morning as I danced around to praise music while fixing them breakfast, looking perfect because "I will never be that mom that wears sweat pants everyday"...um yeah not quite, makes me laugh out loud...instead I often times roll out of bed, put on what I had on yesterday (which is sweats and a T-shirt), come down stairs and put on Word World, or Elmo, depending on what I am not sick of, and fix them a bagel, or eggs...depending on what we had the day before.

Perfection got thrown out the moment my boys enter the world, and my flesh often times gets the best of me. I am thankful that God is a big God who fills in my many missing links and pot holes, taking care of the boys when I am failing. And there is nothing super spiritual about that, just a thankful earthly mom!

It's Time

2011-06-13T09:10:00.003-04:00

Friends,

Hello!!! I can't even tell you how excited I am to be writing again. I have been praying for sometime now about whether to blog or not. The time off was much needed and I think appropriate. God has revealed so many amazing things to me in the last several months. Things I hope to share with you over time.

I believe the time off made me refocus. I played around with opening a new blog and starting over, but then God pressed on my heart the importance of this blog. This blog has always been my journal and I am so thankful for each writing, each entry, each word. They are my heart and my journey and I don't for one second regret anything that was written. I look back and see how far God has brought me, how far this journey has come, and how much God is continuing to do for me, in me, and through me!

I know many people came across this blog because they were dealing with their own loss and ache to be a parent. When I became a mom I did not feel like I could journal any longer because I did not want to cause more pain to those still experiencing loss and grief. I am so beyond sensitive to those dealing with infertility and loss. I feel like I can encourage but how can I speak on that subject any longer when so many have passed me by with so much more grief and pain?

God is showing me though that I still have a story, I still have a journey and although now my joy might be someones sorrow, my story still speaks to those who God intends it to speak to. I have a heart to be open and honest, I am called to this. I am called to journal publicly about the ups and downs of life in hopes that it points to God and God alone.

I want to share my insecurities of being a mom, I want to share my joys of being a mom, I want to share my frustrations of being a mom. I want to be able to speak about open adoption, I want to be a huge advocate for adoption and be a open book on this subject.I want to honest about the big and little things but most importantly I want to share my heart with God, my struggle to put Christ first in a life that continues to move fast at a pace I struggle to keep up with.

And now I am about to enter into a whole new phase to this journey. I am pregnant. (I just have to stop for a moment and tell those of you who are still dealing with infertility that I am so sorry. I did not know how else I could write it or say it. I understand if my blog needs to not be read any more, please do whatever YOU need to do. I believe in a big God, a God of blessings and of joy and a God who is so intimate that He is catching every tear you cry, and holding you tightly in the palm of His almighty hands.) This is complete and utter excitement and comes with an emotion I can't describe. I never ever thought this would be my journey. I will have 3 children under 3!

What amazes me is the fear and grief that still comes with each pregnancy I experience. Even though I hold onto Ty and Jaden I find myself still expecting the worse. I am learning daily to let go of my fears and live in the moment of Life! I am just short of 11 weeks and all is going well so far. We are beyond grateful and feel blessed beyond measure.

The other phase in our journey is the unexpected news that Kevin's job with Volvo here in Asheville NC is coming to an end. They are shutting down the plant here and moving us all to Pennsylvania. This is devastating news to Kevin and I as this has become home over the last 4 years. We can't imagine moving but we feel that at this point we don't see any other way. We have no definite plans as of yet, and are thankful we will have baby #3 here. The move is not suppose to happen until June 2012.

So, here we go and I invite you to come along with me! AS I wrote this post I fed breakfast, watched Elmo, change 3 poops, ended 3 frustrating arguments, fixed 3 toys and now we are outside playing and all before 10am so with that said no my post my not be consistent in timing!

Stepping Away

2010-07-02T16:03:00.002-04:00

Honesty- I can't write on this blog right now. It hit me today that I need to come clean about this blog. It has come to a halt with a few updates because I feel guilty so I write something. There a few reasons why I can't update this blog right now. I am not closing it, I am just making an announcement that I am not going to be posting on it for a while. The reasons very and I feel as though I need to be honest about this as well.

1)Privacy: not for me personally but for my boys, for Liesl, for our situation. I do not feel comfortable adding to much to this blog as public as it is, I don't know who follows it...when it was just my journey I was okay with sharing my heart, taking the criticisms that it brought but now...when it affects so many it is just not worth it to hear everyone's opinion regarding our personal situation and journey.

2)Time: I hate using the “I don't have time” but I really don't for this blog. God is leading me in new directions with a new journey. He is allowing me to be a part of a ministry with 6 other girls, a ministry of health and our temples, bringing glory to God through our spiritual body and physical body. It is SO exciting and I spend much of my “free” time when I have it investing into the growth of this ministry!

3)And lastly and most importantly I don't have freedom in my heart from God to post about my daily life, ups and downs and milestones of my boys when so many women who read this are longing for their day to enter into motherhood. I tried to find that freedom, to force it but I realize now that I just can't and I am done forcing it. I long for the day for each of you, and my blog was for a season of grief. I really believe that is why I am not closing it. For those who might need encouragement from my journey it will be here, but I will not be salt in the wound as they read about my journey of motherhood, it just does not seem right for me personally. I long for the day when God opens the door for me to share more about my journey of adoption and our relationship with Sweet Girl Liesl, but until that day I must stay silent.

This is my last post for a while, I really never thought this day would come, and to be honest it is bitter sweet, more sweet then bitter though. I crossed into motherhood and when you do that, even though you don't forget your grief, pain or loss your voice into the land of infertility quiets a bit, at least for me it did. I am here checking on your blogs, being present in prayer and support but my blog will remain quiet!

I post this because to just never write would leave you guy wondering where I was. I am here, just in a new place in life and wanting to embrace all the new things God is bringing to my door. Please know I will update the website of the boys and pictures, if you would like that information please email or comment and I will send you the link and password.

Thank you for praying me to this point, supporting me on my dark days and loving me through it all!

Kevin....

2010-06-19T22:38:00.001-04:00

Kevin-
I don't have a slide show, I don't have anything up my sleeve, I don't have any surprises...but I do have my words... my blog is the closest thing I have to the world knowing just how blessed we are today to celebrate you as a dad!

I don't have to relive with you the journey it took to get here, I don't have to remind you of the tears or express to you the heart ache, because all we have to do is look in each others eyes and we know. We know the birthdays of all 4 of our boys, and the days may pass with very few words spoken about it, but it is okay because we don't have to speak it to know it.

What I do want to express I don't even think all the words in the world would truly help me to describe the type of father and husband you are... but I am willing to try...

Kevin I love....
the way you love God and seek Him with your whole heart
the way you love me
the way you love the boys
the way you play with Jaden, building a tower and asking me to “look and see what Jaden built”
the way you talk to Ty “Hey dude whats up?”
the way you show Christ not only to us but your whole family and friends
the way you sing to the boys every single night “Lord your beautiful....”
the way you pray with the boys every single night “May they come to hear your voice at a young age..”
the way you care for all of us
the way you provide for us especially for me so I can stay home...thank you Kevin
the way you read to Jaden and Ty
the way you invest your time family always comes first
the way you keep me in track with the boys schedule
the way you make me a good mom
the way you try to be perfect in all that you do
the way you have grown in being a Daddy....

Kevin, you truly are one of God's greatest gifts, I would not have Jaden or Tyler if it was not for you. We are blessed beyond words to call you husband and Dadadadadaddaaaaaaaaa....

I look forward to all that lies ahead, with the boys and our future. I don't know what God has in store for us but I know that as long as I get to live it and walk it with you I am ready for it.

Today is a day for us to say thank you, we became a father with Eddie and Judah, but you became a daddy with Jaden and Ty!

We love you!!!

Really a POST!!!???!!??!?!?!

2010-06-16T22:23:00.000-04:00

When I think about updating the blog I am a bit overwhelmed, I have so much I could write about and I don't know where to start. I hate that I am only updating it once a month, I keep hoping I get better but days turn into months and before I know it has been forever since I have updated. So here is a quick overview of our life!!!

Jaden is crawling- seems like it happen overnight and now he is into everything! His first crawl was to me and that warmed my heart beyond words!

Ty is HUGE and when I say huge I mean it, he is bigger then Jaden! He has the cutest little talk and sounds like he is growling!

We have taken 2 trips, one to visit my friend Jamie in PA, we pack up the boys and drove through the night, they did better then either of us could have imagined. It was a blessed and refreshing time! The second was to the beach which is where we are now, it has been amazing and refreshing!!

Jaden said “MOM” this week at the beach, he looks at me and says “Mommmmm” never thought I would love it like I do!

Been challenged to pray for my husband everyday through the month of June, it has been awesome and amazing to see God working in our lives. Having children has changed our marriage but only in ways that are deeper and stronger, thankful for some of the challenges He has placed before us.

Kevin's job is great, we feel beyond blessed everyday. Kevin loves it and we have defiantly made NC our home, not looking to move anytime soon and that is beyond awesome!!

We separated the boys so they each have rooms now, we finally finished our downstairs room and now it is a guest bedroom/office, Kevin did it all and it looks amazing! I will try to post pictures but give me a couple of months LOL!

I love being a mom, I love this life and I am beyond blessed. I am trying to make each day count because already the boys are so big and huge! I am planning Jaden's birthday which is in just a short two months...sigh...

I have lost all my baby weight and then some, I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed me in this area. God has blessed me with a group of amazing women who are encouraging me on this path. We are already praying that this would become a ministry and it excites me beyond words! A ministry surrounded by health- amazing!

God is teaching me so much about ministry and my heart- I am beyond thankful for the truths he is revealing to me about my heart and my heart for ministry, I am acting when he directs me and relying on Him in the direction- I do not work for man or for mans approval and this has been transforming. This is the longest time in my life that I have not worked for a church staff and I am thankful for this time and am in not in any hurry to change it!

For now I believe that is all. Thank you for checking in and still following our journey. I still pray a lot about the direction of the blog never knowing which way God will lead so for now I update when I can! My hope and prayer is that I can start really sharing about adoption since this is such a huge part of our life. For now Liesl will not be able to make it for Jaden's birthday. We are all sad but are looking forward to when she can visit and we are hoping and praying it will be sooner then later! I know I am not good at follow up but I do read every email- and please know I will try to get back to you as soon as I can!

Heavenly

2010-05-09T08:10:00.002-04:00

This is what I came down to this morning (this and a new laptop so I can blog more hopefully!)!

I know today is painful for many who stop by my blog, so please know I understand if you are unable to view this...

I wanted to share with you though where God has brought me. There were two distinct moments in my life that I truly believe shaped me into who I am. One was a relationship that I was in and ended very badly, I remember right before it I knew it was not in a Godly place, I fell before the Father with my arms stretched out, "if this is not what YOU want I don't want it, as painful as it is I know you will bring a greater joy!!" This was said through tears and heart ache, not long after that moment God brought my Kevin into my life and my world has never been the same. I can't express to you the love I have for my husband, it is greater and deeper then anything I could ever imagine...

The second was after my second loss and third year of waiting, I fell before the Lord once again only this time I was so fearful of the prayer I was going to pray...."I know Lord if I let it Go, if I offer it to you and you say no I am going to believe that once again you have a greater joy...." I lived my next year in a state of complete surrender, that if it was not meant to be there was something greater God had for me...not long after that moment God brought Jaden, and the NEXT day I found out about Tyler!

I don't write this as the answer, but I do write this as an encouragement! God will always come with a greater joy, and the sun always shines brighter after a storm!

Adoption/Pregnancy

2010-05-01T21:08:00.000-04:00

As always I have wanted to update for some time now but as you all know, having two babies…well enough said!

Over the last few months there have been so many times when I am up with Ty and I write a blog in my head, lately (although Ty has slept through the night 5 nights in a row, I will take every one I can get!!!) it has been the same topic of adoption/pregnancy.

When I am out with the boys I constantly get the same responses…
Stranger “oh look twins?”
Me “kind of, they are 18 weeks apart…”
Stranger (if they are smart…some just think this is possible I guess) “oh…wow…how???”
Me “we adopted and got pregnant…”
Stranger (and I PROMISE YOU IT NEVER FAILS) “oh isn’t that how it happens, I have heard of that happening so many times…”

I use to argue it a bit by responding that is DOES NOT always happens that way, but lately I am tired of trying to explain that it is a miracle, and just nod my head… So here are my thoughts on this topic.

Fact: Kevin and I did not set out to adopt to get pregnant.
Fact: Kevin and I did not choose adoption as our second choice.
Fact: Kevin and I stopped trying (started using protection!) when we found out of the possibility of Jaden

I say these things because adopting does not always land you pregnant, it is not a reason to adopt and it is not the reason Kevin and I adopted. God had ordained Jaden as ours, he chose to place Jaden in Liesl, Jaden was never a mistake, Jaden’s life was ordained by God!

Ty was conceived by a miracle, we were not trying, I had tried for 11 months and had not gotten pregnant, I ovulated on my left side, the side without a tube. Ty’s life was ordained, Ty is a miracle and it was all Gods timing, not ours, Ty was not conceived because Kevin and I chose to adopt!

There are MANY couples who adopt and still never conceive, it is exhausting to them to constantly hear, “well if you adopt you will get pregnant”, that is a false and an untrue statement, and sometimes a very painful statement, as if the adoption was in some way or form a last resort for becoming parents, which is NOT the case!
I truly believe that God chose for us to have the boys so close together because He was showing us His power, His timing, and His divine plan. He was removing all human influences so you had to step back and realize it was only by the Hand of GOD!!!

Growing so BIG

2010-04-17T22:31:00.003-04:00

It is 10:30pm, I usually do Ty's dream feed around now but have decided to push it to 11 since he did not eat as well earlier, I am hoping he will be more hungry. We are still trying to figure this little man out. He is so cute, smiles all the time, cues, giggles, screams, and is so so close to rolling over onto his belly! He does not like to be alone, likes to be moved around a lot and loves for you to talk to him! Even when he cries he will light up if you just start talking to him! He is still NOT sleeping through the night, I have given it up, tried everything and decided this is just extra time God is giving me to be with him, so I am okay with it!

Jaden is the light of a room. He will steal your heart with his big blue eyes. He is hard to get to smile at first but then he is all smiles and giggles and is pure entertainment! He constantly amazes me and when I think he can’t win my heart any more, he does! He is my content baby, goes with the flow hardly cries or fusses and is laid back! He is also my entertainment for Ty, who is fascinated by him!

As I am learning and growing as a parent I realize how hard it is not to compare, especially because my boys are so close together and oh so different! I hate comparing, but I find I have done it quite a bit and have had to go to the Lord for forgiveness. I truly love them both but I can see where parents can struggle with favoritism if you are not constantly aware and cautious of it. I am trying to be as transparent as I can be with my feelings and emotions, knowing that through all of this God is still teaching me as His child, guiding me and showing me where and when to turn with these boys!

I love them both, I don’t love one more than the other, and although adoption is a word in our family it does not change the emotions or love I have toward my boys. We often say “Ty looks like….or does….like…..” But I have found that we do the same thing with Jaden, comparing him to the likes of Kevin and me. I think what we have found that is difficult is that Jaden is such an easy going kid, so Ty is a little bit more opinionated, so it is easy to always say…. “Jaden is such a good baby….Jaden is so amazing….Jaden is…..” I just don’t’ want Jaden to grow up hearing how much Ty is just like us, and I don’t want Ty growing up hearing how good Jaden is…and this is where parenting is hard!

All I know is that God has given me an abundance of love for these boys. Each one is a gift from God, chosen specifically for Kevin and me. I know that as a human in a sinful world I will make a mistake when raising my boys. I hate thinking about it, but that is reality. So I humbly go before the Lord, seeking his direction on how to love these boys for who THEY are, I know that each one will require different love at different times, but regardless I never ever want either of them to feel that the other receives more love. I hope that through their lives I can convey just how much each of them is loved for who they are!

It is always a lesson, and I have only been on this parenting journey for 8 months. I can’t imagine when I look back, 8 years, 18 years, 28 years and so on….all the lessons I will have learned and all the love I will still have. I rest in know that God’s love is so much greater then my love, and where I fail He never fails, where I lack, HE never lacks, where I struggle, HE never struggles!!! What a comfort to know I have Him their guiding me each step of the way!

An update at a glance…
Ty is almost the same size of Jaden wearing six/nine month clothes!!
Ty is almost rolling over
Ty will start solids at the end of this month, earlier then Jaden but because he is ALWAYS hungry!
Jaden is not crawling but can just about get anywhere he wants
Jaden has two teeth coming in!!!
Jaden loves his walker and can get anywhere he wants in the house!
Liesl will be joining us for Jaden’s first birthday, what a reunion that will be for all of us, marking a wonderful year for all!

And my blogging gals,
I am sorry I don’t comment nearly as much as I should, I follow your blogs, your transplants, pregnancies, adoptions, losses, IVF cycle, and waiting! I pray, cry out to God and am constantly thinking of you! Lots of love to each you!!!

Ahh The Sleepless Nights!

2010-03-27T08:25:00.000-04:00

This morning Jaden and I are hanging out a bit, Kevin is an amazing husband and gave me the night off to sleep last night, so this morning Jaden and I (ok mostly I) laid down Tyler and then Kev went off to rest for at least a hour!'

So here is our dilemma and I am open for advice just so you know!! Jaden was my text book baby; he followed and still follows things exactly how the book says he should. What book? Well a couple of books combined but mostly Baby Wise. We are a scheduled family. After we found out that we would be having TWO babies and NOT twins I knew I needed a plan. So when Jaden was born I started on routine a cycle of sleep, eat, wake! It worked like a charm, by eight weeks Jaden was sleeping through the night, taking great naps and a happy content baby. Now I knew I had an exceptionally good baby but I was confident that this would work for Ty and since Jaden was already in a great routine I was going to fit Ty into that routine!!!

Well that has worked for the most part…Ty is routine, he eats when we feed him, sleeps when we lay him down and is mostly a content and happy baby…except that Ty, was diagnosed with acid reflux, so we went on meds… then he started spitting up a ton so we put him on a different formula, then he was waking every two hours to feed so the Dr. told us to add rice to his formula, to no avail my little Ty is still NOT sleeping through the night, waking sometimes up to three times for a FULL feeding and it has left Kevin and I scratching our head in confusion.

Now this is not all about my dilemma, you know me I can make anything a spiritual lesson. One thing Kevin and I have decided was not to do cry it out, the other thing that we have done with Ty that we did not do with Jaden is sleep Ty on his belly…only for naps…but why??? Because yes my dear friends Ty has a nice little flat spot!!!!!! Oh my!!! So I am being very aggressive because I really do not want another helmet, so I rock Ty to sleep so that I can lay him on his belly…which I am fine with, on good days it only takes me ten to fifteen minutes, but there are those days where he fights sleep resulting into a hour or so to get him to sleep…time I really do not have.

The other night Ty was up, and I was rocking him back to sleep, this is usually when I get my best prayer in. As I was praying that Ty would sleep through the night it dawned on me that maybe this was Gods way of making me STOP and enjoy my baby. How many years it took to get to this point, and I already look at Jaden who is 7 ½ months old and know how quickly it is going. I don’t want to miss out on these days, and there will come a time when it will be the last time I rock Ty, one day he will be grown and rocking him will be something of the past and I will wish that I had enjoyed the sleepless nights just a little bit more. So although I still would like to see Ty make it longer than 3 hours through the night, I am not going to complain when I am rocking my baby, this is a gift and I can remember crying out to the Lord when I would hear people complain “I would take their sleepless fussy baby Lord…”

Just know, that when I hold my babies I pray for you girls who are crying out to God with desperate hearts, with a burning desire and a longing that is so deep. Know that when I hold my baby I pray that soon your arms will be filled and in the this time of waiting that God would give you the strength it takes to make it one more day, I remember and the pain never goes away.

This march is the first march in three years that I am not pregnant. It is hard to believe that for three years in a row I was pregnant, there is a level of grief that always joins spring, and even though there is joy as well because I knew about Jaden and Ty this time last year, it does not take away the ache I have for the two babies I lost that I desperately wanted, but I have said it before and I pray it encourages your heart, I had to have the two losses to have these two blessings, it was Gods way of taking something that looked dead and hopeless to bring LIFE and HOPE!

In Awe of What God Can DO...

2010-03-17T15:33:00.002-04:00

I am in awe of God can do….We have been having one of those years…when I think God could not bless us anymore then He already has He shows up once again and I am left awe-struck…

I have not written this and I should have months ago, but my time is so different these days. I belong to the most amazing church and I don’t say that lightly, in fact if you know me well you know that I really don’t like churches especially big ones… Ever since high school I have been involved with youth. It was my calling and I loved it, I loved working for and with the youth! For close to ten years I worked on a staff of a church…and I started to see how corrupt churches could really be, I began to see how churches were run like a business. Now not all my experiences were bad, but I will say that the end of the day I was sick of churches and sick of working on a staff, I was what we call in the Christian community “burnt out...”

When Kevin and I got married we churched hop for the first 4 years, now of course we were moving every year and that did not make it easy to find a church home, but every time we would go to a church I would walk away with the same sick feeling that we would never find a home and that all churches were run the same…. Until we moved to NC and God led us to Breakthrough. Now I will not put Breakthrough on a pedestal and call it perfect because we are all human and sinful, but I will say that Breakthrough Church is the first church I truly feel at home in. Both Kevin and I have changed, grown and been challenged under the leadership of this church.

Even my darkest days, when it seemed I hated people, (I never hated people I just did not like people who made stupid comments about loss and infertility…and all the IF sisters say “AMEN”…) Breakthrough stood by me, sometimes silent, sometimes loud….but never the less they prayed us through to the other side and when I finally surfaced out of my “blank” hole (Read blog…), they welcomed me with open arms and excitement!

The Pastors of the church are our pastors but I am also honored to call them our friends. The first time we ever met with them I left with tears in my eyes as Pastor Michelle had also dealt with infertility for close to six years. She understood the pain and knew my aching heart. They tried for 3 years had a beautiful son and continued to try…he is now six! We became close during the losses I experienced…even when I tried to push Michelle away when she was speaking truth into my life and I was not ready or wanting to hear…, they stood by us and prayed a miracle into our lives. So when we got to share we were adopting they put their own wants and desires aside to celebrate our miracle (still brings tears to my eyes…).

I will never forget driving to Michelle’s house to tell her not only was I adopting but I was pregnant. Here they were on a waiting list for adoption for almost a year and we were not even pursuing it and we get chosen to adopt a baby, and now I am telling her that I am also pregnant, when they have been trying for six years…my heart was breaking because I knew it would cause pain in hers… But once again she put aside her wants, her desires and celebrated with me on that night…

Kevin and I prayed for their Miracle, and I prayed hard wanting it so badly for them. When I was out in Colorado to pick up Jaden I got a phone call that they would be adopting form an amazing young women who asked if they would raise her baby. ..I remember feeling so overwhelmed and excited for them, and I continued to pray… "Lord give them a double blessing…”

Sure enough one Saturday night (six days before Ty was born) we went to dinner with them, I knew in my heart they had news to share with us and sure enough they did…they were PREGNANT! Their babies would be 4 months apart…is this a coincidence?? Not if you believe in a God who can perform miracles….I do ….

Yesterday their sweet little girl was born, and in a matter of months they will welcome their baby boy! I am in awe of what God can do…

I had to experience the death of my son Judah to experience the life of my son Jaden….I am in awe of what God can do…

I became pregnant against all odds and ovulate on the side without a fallopian tube…I am in awe of what God can do…

Yesterday we got approved for a grant that will pay the cost of Jaden’s Helmet…I am in awe of what God can do…

Tomorrow my brother in law will graduate from officers training…I am in awe of what God can do…

Today I sit here with TWO sleeping babies in MY home…I am in awe of what God can do…

I stand back in awe, I serve God not because of what He does for me but because of WHO He is, the fact that He chooses to bless us makes it that more amazing.

Wanted You All to KNOW

2010-03-10T21:25:00.003-05:00

That as of Febuary 10th, 2010 Jaden's adoption was finilized!!!

We actually just found out two weeks ago when a sweet lady from the County Clerks Office called. She kept apologizing in regards to Jaden Tanner's adoption which made my heart drop in fear that something was wrong, but she was so upset that it had gotten overlooked and was finished for quite sometime. At this point I could have cared less, I was so excited to know that it was DONE!

I believe with all my heart that the moment Jaden was conceived it was done, he was ours and God had already finished, but from a flesh perspective it sure did feel good to hear that it was finalized!

I have so much more I want to update you on but I am exhausted and a nice glass of wine and a bath is calling my name. Please know how much I appreciate you all, your comments, prayers and encouragement amaze me daily!

I am praying for you girls who are:
Pregnant
Waiting
Triggering
Adopting
Pausing
And Healing....

Love to you all my girls!

This is Wonderful

2010-02-27T10:13:00.001-05:00

Remember to pause the music at the bottom of my blog!

20 min...

2010-02-21T09:07:00.005-05:00

I have 20 minutes before Ty will wake up to feed and Jaden will go down for a nap. I have wanted to give a quick update about sweet Jaden and our experience with his helmet.

Tuesday of this past week my mom and I drove down for Charlotte for what we knew would be a long and emotional day... They needed to see Jaden for an hour to put on his helmet and then monitor it, and then if all looked well they send us away for 3 hours to make sure he does not have any reactions to it. I did not realize how this was going to affect me emotionally.

Lisa is the therapist that we see- these are not doctors but people who are specifically trained in dealing with flat heads (there is a more technical name but I would not even know where to began in spelling it...) she is amazing and when she came in with the helmet she kept reminding me that it is harder on the parent…well it was. She placed in on Jaden’s head and he did not even blink- I however started crying (and so did my mom which made it even harder…).

I think the reality of it hit me, Jaden needed something to be “fixed” and I just hate it for him even though he does not even notice, I do. Of course the self blame followed as I started thinking that maybe there was something I could have been doing to prevent this from happening. And then of course the thoughts that this was unfair followed closely behind all the others.

I feel as though Jaden as been through so much already, that his adoption, the grief he might of experienced parting from Liesl, his future journey is enough…why something else? (A dear blogging friend posted a beautiful post about the grief she was experiencing with her adopted son, so much of what I have felt if you want to read her story here.). I just am overwhelmed with so much love for this little man that I hate that he even has to go through this, even at this young of an age.

Every time I see Jaden in his helmet I praise the Lord that that is all it is, a helmet, helping his little head. It is not a heart monitor, it is not because he is not developing correctly, it is not life threatening, it is a helmet…that is all.

I am also reminded that this is just part of the journey that God has all of us on. I am reading a book that my dad gave me for Christmas by Ravi Zacharias called The Grand Weaver. I have only just begun it but it has already touched on some sensitive spots in my heart. It is a reminder that God is the grand weaver, weaving a beautiful and personal garment just for us. Each thread, each stitch, each pull of our lives is His hand weaving a beautiful story for each of us.

Why would I fight this? I know that ultimately God has a beautiful picture to paint, not only for me but for Jaden, I as a parent do not want to stand in the way, even though I want to protect Jaden form everything I think is harmful, God may see it as a necessary “color” for his “grand picture” and I do not want to stand in the way or rob that “color” from Jaden’s picture!
So I am once again reminded to step back, to trust that what I see has a bump in road is actually the exact and perfect stitch, color, and thread that God needs in each of our lives to produce the exact picture He has for each of us as our Grand Weaver!

And just like that Ty is waking up for his 9:30am feeding!

A Year Ago Today

2010-02-15T14:18:00.001-05:00

A year ago today we got a phone call....

A year ago today we learned of a young 17 year old girl pregnant....

A year ago today that young girl became my sweet girl...

A year ago today I fell in love with a little baby growing withing her...

A year ago today I was waiting, hoping, praying...

A year ago today I became a mother and did not know it....

A year ago today our lives changed....

Hard to believe how far our God has brought us in a year...

A Quick Minute

2010-02-03T09:10:00.003-05:00

I have only but a minute before Ty wakes up from his morning nap and Jaden is ready for his morning nap! I wanted to let you all know how we were doing and the decisions we have made regarding Sweet Jaden's head.

After lots of sleepless nights for Kevin and not due to Ty waking up, Kevin and I made the decision that Charlotte was the best choice for our family. After Jaden's last appointment we wanted to make sure that there was not another way we could go about fixing Jaden's head. There are many different types of helmets and prices. However, Kevin did his homework and it was obvious that even though it was more expensive Charlotte was the best option. Once we made the decision we began praying for the financial help!

God is so faithful- a constant in my journey; I am not sure why I struggle with trust when God has proven himself faithful in every situation, even our darkest ones! Anyway Kevin started filing our taxes and with the money we are getting back we will be able to pay for Jaden's helmet! What a blessing that we don't have to borrow more money from family, God is good!

We are praying that Jaden will only need one helmet and that it will be a short process (two to four months...). I can't thank you enough for all the prayers and support. We are at peace with decision, I am just not looking forward to the trips to Charlotte once a week but you know maybe I will get the chance to see my amazing family that lives down there!!

Bump in The Journey

2010-01-27T09:14:00.001-05:00

Monday was big day for Jaden. Sweet Jaden loves to lay his head on the left side- he has done this since he was born. I never really thought anything of it until I noticed the left side of his head was starting to flatten. We mentioned it to the pediatrician who at the time did not think it was anything to be concerned about. However the last couple of months we have noticed it more, and we started noticing that he never really looked the other way. So we mentioned it again and this time he sent us to a physical therapist to see if there was an issue with his neck...and there is! He was most likely positioned a certain way in the womb that caused the right side of his neck to tighten up making it hard to turn that direction, and now that his head is flat on the left side, it has become his favorite way to look.

So they sent us to Charlotte to Cranial Technology, a place that specialized in helping restructure the head. I was praying that Jaden head would be mild, but after a series of pictures and an exam he is considered "severe" meaning his flattened spot is now affecting the alignment of his face. You would not (or maybe you would...) notice to look at him straight on, but from certain angles you can really see there is a problem.

God has blessed us with two beautiful boys, and they are my miracles and my gifts. I am thankful for each of them and as a mother my heart broke yesterday as I realized my "perfect" gift needed a little helmet to help his little (in my eyes perfect) head. You can visit Cranialtech.com to see what Jaden will have to wear for a few (maybe more) months. After meeting with the therapist and driving two hours back home I think the reality started to hit us. This is really not a big deal and could be something so much worse but I hate that sweet little Jaden even has to go through all of this. He will now have weekly appointments with the physical therapist and weekly appointments for his helmet, which is located conveniently in Charlotte...a 2 hr. drive each week for a 5 month old.

I don't ever want to complain, but even with our amazing insurance we are looking at paying $1900 dollars, and that is for just one helmet, they think because Jaden is considered severe he will need another one and that one will be $2500, this is all after our wonderful and amazing adoption but that left us $18,000 in debt. I don't post these numbers to make you feel bad for us, but I have always been so honest on this blog and I am not about to stop. I know God will provide but I tend to look at our bank account and wonder just where the money going to come from....but I know God is a provider, He WILL provide!

You know after walking the journey of infertility I think there is a part of you that thinks wants you achieve the goal of parenthood that things should be a little easier because of the difficulty in getting there. This is such wrong thinking and I KNOW that, it is a constant battle against the flesh. I don't deserve a breath, I don't deserve life, but the Lord grants everyday to me- and after all He has done why would I start doubting His provision now? I have to believe that because things are tough right now that we are doing exactly what God has called us to do because satan is hating us and throwing anything he can our way. But we WILL prevail, not because of anything I am doing but because of everything HE is doing!

I have posted this saying from our Pastor many times in the past, especially when I was going through such dark days, I post it again because it is what I am holding onto...
"Where praise is the presence of the Lord is, and where the presence of the Lord is satan CANNOT DWELL...” So in the midst of yet another storm, we will praise, because we already know God has it all taken care of and also because (another great quote from my Pastor)”God will not attend your pity party, not even if you give him a hat!"

Jaden and Ty

2010-01-10T15:34:00.002-05:00

Click here to view these pictures larger

Comment if you would like the password....

Realizing Reality

2010-01-10T15:06:00.003-05:00

As I sit here Jaden is watching Baby Praise and Ty is swinging in his swing, Kevin is watching football and I am catching my breath before the next feeding/nap time. Reality that I have two babies hits me everyday- it is more then I could have ever dreamed or imagined and I am content and in love with both my boys but I am also extremely overwhelmed...I have two babies.

For so long they were a dream- something I never could tangibly feel or truly believe. Then they slowly became reality- first with sweet Jaden's adoption and then Ty's birth. And now I am living it, my life has changed and will never agian be the same, and I am trying to learn this new part of my life and I am finding that I am not going to be able to do it alone.

The expectations I had before they were here have drastically changed. I was hoping to breast feed Tyler, however today is day 10 and my milk has yet to show up. I have been open handed about it from the beginning but I did not realize just how much I would care. After many nights of a crying baby and a crying momma I let it go and submitted to the bottle. Although it will be more expensive the stress of breast feeding was not worth it for my family. We need as much peace as we can get and I have to believe that God was in the midst of these decisions.

Tyler is an amazing baby- but so very different then Jaden- which he should be. I think because Jaden is all I have known for the last four months I expected Tyler to be like Jaden, he is nothing like Jaden and so I have to learn Ty, his cries, his grunts, his own unique ways!

I had the expectation that I would jump into this parenting two babies with both feet, I would dive in and have no trouble at all...however I am realizing that I am wading, sticking in my toes and then pulling them out quickly- realizing it is going to take me sometime and so I am going to need more help then I realized. I am so blessed to have an amazing family, my mom dedicating so much of her time to me and the rest of my family stepping in so that she can be available to help me. I could just cry because I am not sure what I would do without her...mom thank you...!

I know that God designed Kevin and I for this journey, I know that God chose these little ones just for us and I know that we will do everything we can to raise these boys to be Godly men but I also am realizing that we will not be doing this on our own. It really will take a village to help and I am learning to open handed with my boys even this early!

I give all praise to my God, to my King for how far He has brought us, with the miracles He has brought into our lives, I am nothing without Him and I am open to how He will write our story! It is a new story and journey and I am excited about all the twist and turns that I know lie ahead. My life is a simple life magnified only by the King!

Tyler James

2010-01-04T18:23:00.003-05:00

Sorry this is so late- however this just shows you how my life is now!!! Wanted you all to know that Tyler arrived Thursday healthy and perftect! Weighing in at a wonderful 10lbs 2oz and 20 inches long! He is amazing and I am doing well and loving my full home!

Thanks for all the prayers and support! If you want more pictures please comment or email me and I will make sure you get the address!!!

Quick Update!!!

2009-12-29T19:07:00.000-05:00

What an amazing Christmas we had this year. Despite the flood we woke up to Christmas morning in our basement and then the power going out, we really did enjoy each other. It was such a joy having Jaden and even though he could not understand what was going on we enjoyed our first Christmas together as a growing family. We reminisced a lot about past Christmases and where and how far God has brought us. I can’t even believe that God has blessed our family not once but twice and all within a year- we really serve such a big God who does big things!

I will be going to the hospital Thursday morning to have Tyler by C-section. They did an ultrasound at 37 weeks and he was already weighing in at 8 1/2lbs!!!!! BIG BOY!!! So the next week after they checked me and I was still not laboring at all they decided to discuss a C-section with me. We decided to go ahead and schedule a date and if he was to come before then well we would be ready….he seems to be cozy though! This last appointment they were a little concerned about my swelling, spiked weight gain and rising blood pressure so they put me on bed rest until Thursday. I will go in on Thursday and they will start the c-section at 11:30am. We are so excited and so ready~!

Jaden continues to amaze me and I struggle some with the thought of being away from him for two days. My amazing mom will be helping me in such big ways including taking Jaden for two days while I am at the hospital. I am a little anxious about the days to come as I know the recovery from a c-section will not be easy. I will not be able to lift Jaden for two weeks, so I can’t be left a lone. My mom will be a huge help but I also know she is torn between two places as she also cares from my 93 year old Nana. I constantly have to rely on God throughout this journey and know He is in control and all of this is a blessing!

I will try and post an update once Tyler is here but I have a feeling that the blog will be taking a backseat in the months to come. We are still updating Jaden’s website with pictures and if you would like the password and website please just let me know!

A Heart That is Full

2009-12-09T10:53:00.002-05:00

As I sit here I am struggling to find the words to describe the week we had with Liesl and Tyler. It was refreshing, emotional, intense, fun and everything in between. Seeing Liesl see Jaden for the first time was overwhelming I think for us all, it has only been three months but he has changed so much and it was so emotional for Liesl.

We all enjoyed one another and as the week progressed things became easier. Liesl is so good and really does only want to love Jaden, she does not try to parent and was very respectful of our routine with Jaden. I think in some ways it was so hard for Liesl to be back around Jaden because it reminded her of how much she misses him. I know that the healing will continue and as time goes on it will become easier for Liesl, but right now the grief is still so raw.

Adopting is such an overwhelming journey I think for any family, it is so beautiful yet as an adoptive mom you do sometime grieve that you did not give birth to the child that you love as if you did give birth. I think open adoption is an even more overwhelming journey because you are not the only one loving this little one. Liesl truly loves Jaden, how could she not? I had to sometimes fight the insecurity of wanting to be the only important women in his life while she was here. Liesl and I are very open and were able to talk about this some. I am his mom, that never ever will change but as I have said before God did not choose to place Jaden within my womb as much as I wish he did. And for Liesl this is not how she pictured life with her first born would be.

As the week went on I became more and more proud of Liesl, she did the best thing for Jaden, giving him everything she could not give him. God is such a sovereign God and I am constantly amazed at his love for his children. He is not only calling out to sweet Jaden even now at a young age but he is chasing and calling out for Liesl’s heart and I look forward to seeing what he has in store for her!

In other news: I try not to post much about my pregnancy, however this is part of my journey and I don’t want to look back and regret not recording and journaling more. Pregnancy is interesting for me, Kevin and I talk about this a lot. To get pregnant was a journey as you all know, and then experiencing the losses left me broken and wondering if I could even have a normal pregnancy. God is so faithful and I would have and still would be so content and blessed with Jaden. I still cannot believe that God gave me the desires of my heart through both adoption and conceiving. I feel so blessed! This pregnancy has not been easy, but every time I want to complain I think about all my sisters who are so longing to be pregnant, and instead of complaining I say a prayer for you women.

To say this pregnancy has been easy would be a lie though- it has really been a challenge for me even from the start, just weird things like when my uterus would not pop, being so sick, having contractions so early and then Tyler being breeched. Each time I find myself wrapped in fear that I am going to lose Tyler that I am not going to see this pregnancy to completion. I am starting to realize (now at 36 weeks...yes I am a little slow) that satan was trying to rob me of my joy this whole pregnancy, trying to steal the enjoyment because he knows that Tyler is the palm of Gods hand, and this pregnancy is destined not by man but by God!

Yesterday I had my first of weekly appointments. Tyler has flipped, I am 50% effaced and ½ centimeters dilated, which is really nothing. For the first time I am so calm and relaxed. I would love for Tyler to come soon but that is only because I am so anxious to meet him, really and truly I am fine going another 4 weeks if it means he will be healthy and perfect. I know God already has his birthday written in the book of life and I am in no hurry to rush things. I am a little uncomfortable and Kevin likes to make fun of the way I get up or roll over in bed (earthquake style), my legs have started swelling and I find it hard to eat but other than that I am enjoying my last few weeks of this pregnancy. Kevin is always pointing out too that we don’t know if I will ever be pregnant again so to “really enjoy” right now!

For the first time in almost three years Kevin and I are also really enjoying the Christmas season, in years past we were trying and not sure if I would conceive or facing an unfilled due date. Judah’s due date would have been Dec. 27th and Eddies would have been January 25th. So Christmas seasons in the past were a source of grief. Although I still have moments of grief and missing my babies, this year God has fulfilled so many of the promises He has spoken over our life. I feel so full of joy and overcome with all that God is doing. This Christmas really means a lot to me, especially being pregnant and thinking of sweet Mary’s life and her pregnancy with Christ our King (which will be another post).

So as I write this post my heart is full, my home is a home of praise and my life is an open book as God continues to write our adventurous journey.

Is She Really Coming?

2009-11-22T08:55:00.004-05:00

I find this question so interesting. My Sweet Girl, Liesl - Jaden's birth mom will be joining us along with her brother for Thanksgiving. When people learn of this I am amazed at the shocked reaction that I get, however, I do realize that if I was standing on the other side I would most likely give the same reaction. The shocked reaction is usually followed by "are you nervous?" If I answer "no" I am lying. My flesh, of course is a bit nervous, for Liesl, for Jaden and for me as a first time mom.

I relive the day Jaden was born…. I can remember hovering over Sweet Girl as she pushed life into this world. I will never forget the look on Liesl's face when they held up her son for the first time, with tears flowing down her face all she could say was "he is beautiful..." and he was. I remember falling into our amazing nurse - Beth's - arms and whispering to her, "pray for her, please pray for her..." I remember following Jaden over to the bed and watching them wrap this sweet bundle up- I whispered a sweet welcome to him and then watch as the placed Jaden into Liesl's arms- I stepped back watching a moment of such intense love I thought I would melt. Liesl gazing upon Jaden with awe and disbelief that she brought this little one into the world and she had chose life for him.

I knew at that moment that nothing could separate the bond between a mother and a child- I don't care who you are. God had chosen to place life inside this young girl. This is where the impact of infertility still rears its ugly head- the question of "why?" But I cannot question God, I know His ways are not our ways and I rest in his goodness. For our journey I see what a gift our little Jaden is in Liesl's life- in a way he in return is offering her life. Sweet Girl is choosing to make better choices so that she can make Jaden proud of her. Jaden will always be proud of her because Kevin and I will always remind him of the amazing choice she made not only in having him but giving him to us. I am so very proud of Liesl.

My flesh may struggle some with the thought of another women in Jaden's life, as a mother you want to be the most important, the only one, but that is not what God has asked of my life as a mother. God has asked me to become a first time mom through adoption, and I am honored that he has chosen Kevin and I to raise Jaden. I am so thankful I am submissive to the Holy Spirit, for when he overtakes I am overcome with Joy that Jaden has sweet Liesl in his life.

You will hear us call Liesl and Tyler (her brother) our family. This could not be any truer if my mom and dad were their mom and dad. I cannot explain the love we have for them; I cannot explain the bond that has formed. We are not "acting" as a family, or just "saying" we are a family, in our eyes and I KNOW God's eyes we are family. Liesl is really coming for Thanksgiving and I am beyond excited because I know when it is a God story, as this one is, then it is going to be an AMAZING week with them because it is nothing of us and everything of HIM.

A letter to Myself

2009-11-11T19:15:00.003-05:00

Dear Waiting Mother,

How my heart longs to speak to yours, to encourage you, to speak words of life, patience and endurance. I can remember the waiting days; they are only but a moment in the past. Their ache, grief and questioning still leave their marks on my heart. Yet as I sit here now I sit with a heart full of joy.

As I am living out my miracle I can’t help but think of you, remember you and carry you with me. I can’t help but think about what I would say to you as you endure your wait, as you see one more negative pregnancy test, as you learn you are losing a baby. I can’t help but want to encourage you, to speak to your aching heart and let you know that your joy is just around the corner, and that the wait- well the wait is worth it and the journey- the journey is what makes the joy that much sweeter!

I know sweet Waiting Mother that it is hard to see beyond the tears that fill your eyes and the grief that fills your heart; I know how hard it is to see beyond the hundredth negative pregnancy test and the not so good report from your doctor. I know your heart hurts every time you hear of one more friend, relative or coworker who is pregnant. I know you try so hard not to question God, but in the quietness of your heart you find yourself questioning God. I understand the sleepless nights, the endless frustration and the hurt that comes from comments of people who just don’t get it. I just want you to know that in the end, it is all worth it.

There will come a point where you look back over your journey and you will be at peace with every step, every tear, and every loss. You will still grieve, it will still hurt, and the scar will remain but the joy you will have will heal in a way that is beyond comprehension. I just want you to know that the journey will be worth it, I can promise you that your joy will come in the morning and although there seems to be no end to the darkness in sight, it will end.

So hang in there, cast that net one more time and watch as God fills it with unexpected joy that will be beyond anything you could ever ask, imagine, or dream of.

Love,
You on the other Side!

A Reminder to be Reckless

2009-10-29T16:02:00.001-04:00

I am learning so much not only as a mother but also about God and His character, His love, His desires. Adoption has been a beautiful experience for our family, I can't imagine life without Jaden and I can't imagine the journey being any more amazing then it already is and has been. With that said I don't think anyone could have prepared my heart for the emotions that come along with adoption.

The other day Jaden was having a hard time finishing up his nap, moments before his crying began I received a text message from Liesl asking for a picture of "her baby" my heart dropped...but why? Jaden will forever be Liesl’s baby, I can't take this part of the journey away from either of them, and the Holy Spirit within me does not want me too. My flesh, my mother’s heart struggles some with this. I went into Jaden's room and scooped him up and let the tears fall. Our journey with Jaden is through adoption, Liesl, she is forever his birth mom, that is how God intended it to be and I know that. I just never knew how much I would love this little one, on a daily basis I forget he is adopted, he feels like mine, I feel like I gave birth to him but I didn't and that is not the journey God called us to.

Today I was re-reading through some of my journal entries when we had just found out about Jaden and were be called into this families life. It was so good for me to read again because it reminded me of what our calling is. Today Liesl and I had a great conversation, one that was much needed. This sweet girl is struggling with grief, she loves Jaden and I am thankful for that, she is the reason we get to have this sweet blessing in our lives. He is my son, he is my baby, he is our boy but ultimately he is God's child, we were chosen to be his parents. With Jaden I constantly have to open my hands to the Lord and give him back, but I have constant reminders that God really did "choose" us to be his parents. With Ty, I am going to have to do the same, and although I will give birth to Ty, my love for him will not be greater than my love for Jaden, they are my sons and there will be no difference.

Anyway I wanted to share the entry with you guys because this is our heart when it comes to Jaden and his journey. Liesl, Tyler and hopefully LeAnn (Their mom) will join us for Thanksgiving and we will stand together the Sunday after and dedicate this sweet little one to the Lord, we will also make a statement that we are a family forever, all because God choose to use this little boy in such BIG ways! I just needed to be reminded that we are called to Love as our Savior loves!

Sunday, April 19, 2009
Reckless Abandonment Love, this is what God is calling Kevin and I to do with the family of SG, we are to love her without holding back, without understanding it from a human perspective, because humanly it seems impossible to do such a thing.

To love this family and let them be, not just involved but extremely involved in this little boys life. It is not about me being a mother, it is about laying down my life, laying down my expectations, wants and desires for God. God does not love this family with conditions, fears or holding back, he loves this family with everything His character is. The spirit inside of me will love this family with that love if I can lay down my flesh, my fears… and that is what Kevin and I are going to do. We are going to love this family into the kingdom of God, I am not worried about this little boy being confused because that is thinking and seeing things with a human perspective, I must die to that. I must see things with Gods eyes, knowing that ultimately God is this little boy’s Father, and He has the best at hand for him.

So when you speak to Kevin and I you will hear us speak about this little boy growing up not just knowing of his birth mom, birth grandmother, birth uncle, you will hear about how he is going to grow up loving them, seeing them, and knowing who they are in his life.

It is reckless abandonment love, not my love, not Kevin’s love, but God’s love pouring out of us! This journey is not just about Kevin and I getting to raise a son, but also raising a family into the kingdom and love of God! How exciting this journey is no matter what happens in the end, God is faithful He has GREAT things planned for Kevin and me!

An Update!

2009-10-23T15:48:00.002-04:00

So I have been getting some grief about my lack of blogging. It is not because I don't have the time; Jaden is such a good baby right on schedule and is giving me lots of rest not only at night but during the day as well! It is because I am so uncomfortable at 30 weeks pregnant, I try sitting at the computer or even on Kev's laptop and find myself unable to write or think because of my aching back. I AM NOT complaining, I am just saying that my computer time is very brief now, just long enough to catch up on all of you and then lay down!

Jaden is such a joy; I am amazed at how quickly he has grown and how quickly time is passing. We are nearing the end of October and Thanksgiving seems right around the corner. Liesl and Tyler will join us and my whole family for Thanksgiving this year. I know that when Liesl gets here the first couple of days will be an emotional roller coaster for her seeing Jaden for the first time. I really have no expectations, I know that it will be good but I also know it may be difficult. I am excited to have Liesl and Tyler with us and know that our family time will go quickly and will feel too short.

I can’t believe I have just about 10 weeks to go; to say I am not overwhelmed would be a lie… God has been so good and has given me the best baby in the world. I know that no matter what type of baby Ty will be he will be amazing but some days I can’t imagine adding another new born into our family. I can remember feeling this way about Jaden too, I could not imagine really what it would be like when he finally arrived and honestly it feels as though he has been a part of our lives forever. Kevin and I are both enjoying this part of our marriage and journey and look forward to the next step with Ty.

Kevin is staying busy with work, got over the flu just fine and none of us got sick. My last OB appointment was great, I am doing well and my contractions have really slowed down. The leaves are really keeping Kevin busy this year because I am unable to help him. He is such a good husband and father and has taken on so many things that I am unable to do.
Just added new pics to our family album, please don’t hesitate to ask for that password or address!

But here are a few to wet your appetite and a few of ALL our LEAVES!

Do You Trust Me?

2009-10-05T16:10:00.002-04:00

Walking the path of infertility and loss took a lot of trust in God. There were so many days, and so many moments when someone or God himself would ask me "Do you trust Me?"

You would think after two losses that could have taken my life but didn’t , after months and months of waiting and finally receiving, after years of trying and finally conceiving, after thousands of tears shed out of pain to tears shed of joy, sleepless nights of worry to sleepless nights to a baby, I would be able to say “YES I trust!!”

As crazy as it may seem I find myself once again being challenged beyond my expectations… Do I trust? I want to “say” yes, but my heart is struggling. Kevin got sick and diagnosed with the flu. By this point Jaden and I have been exposed to it and there is nothing I can do to change that fact. Saturday afternoon you would have peeked into my home and seen a panic stricken wife, mother, and pregnant women. I called Jaden’s dr. first thinking he was at greatest risk only being 7 weeks old. When the nurse found out I was 27 weeks pregnant her concern shifted to me…. I was not thinking of me…this was about Jaden. However, I was the one at greatest risk.
So my OB calls, and treats me with Tama flu and tells me to stay away from Kevin. This was not going to be easy and I felt my heart dropping because I rely so much on Kevin to help me with Jaden since I am suppose to be “resting.” All of the sudden trusting God was flown out the window as my flesh, fears, and anxiety overtook. All I kept thinking was “how in the world am I going to do this??” and once again the sweet whisper kept saying and is still saying “Do you trust ME??”

As I write this I am sitting at my parents house. God is so good to give me such wonderful parents that step in in ways I cannot describe with words. They packed me and Jaden up and brought us into there home. In the mean time, they have had a beach trip planned for months, they are suppose to leave Sunday morning. Mom takes Jaden for the whole night to give me as much rest as I can get. Once again I am laying in bed with anxious thoughts about what tomorrow would bring and how I was going to be able to stay at my parents house alone with Jaden, I can’t lift his car seat so I can’t even go out…what was I going to do for three days?
“Do you trust ME?”

When I got up the next morning and went upstairs before I could say anything to my mom she says “I am staying here to help you, don’t argue I already made up my mind…” My heart dropped because I knew I was ruining their beach trip. Which, and this will be another post for another time, I seem to pick the most inopportune time to “need” my parents. Just a few examples….. Breaking my ankle in 7th grade Thanksgiving day (my mom host 50 guest…) Molar pregnancy …my parents were at the beach and had to come home, even when Jaden was born and my mom was with me, my 93 year old Nana fell and my mom could not get home to be with her…all things I don’t mean to plan yet I seem to interrupt (a note to my family, I really don’t plan these things I PROMISE…). “Do you trust ME??”

Even still, I struggle thinking Jaden is going to get this flu, but what do I have to fear? What can the enemy throw in our direction that the Lord is not already aware of? What can touch me that has not passed through the fingers of the Almighty? And at the end of the day who do I trust my life with?
“Do you Trust ME??”

With all my heart Lord, help me to die to my flesh, to my fears, to my anxiety and choose LIFE abundant and fulfilled with your Holy Presence. You are my refuge and I rest under the shadow of your wings….
　
　
　

Learning

2009-09-26T15:33:00.003-04:00

Being a first time parent is an amazing learning experience. I am in so many ways blessed that I am the last of most my friends and family to have a child because I learned from all of them. However watching someone else parent is completely different then parenting yourself, this has been eye opening for both Kevin and I.

It is so much fun watching Kevin as a father, and even more fun to watch him amazed at how much formula and diapers we go through. Before we had Jaden and before we knew we would be having two babies so close in age Kevin and I discussed using cloth diapers, now I think he realizes just how convenient diapers really are, yet, how expensive they are too!

One thing I have not written about much is my pregnancy. I am now 26 weeks and the last few dr. visits I have had they have warned me of pre-term labor. I am not in pre-term labor however I am having strong Braxton hicks, and with a new born am not getting the rest I would be getting if I was just six months pregnant. It is a unique situation to be six months pregnant and have a 5 week old; I have yet to find a book on how to accomplish both....

And so God has been teaching me so much about sacrificing. I am having to sacrifice so much of what I thought life would be like with Jaden, since I am having to also take care of sweet Ty. I am having to sacrifice my wants and expectations in order to rest and maintain a healthy environment for Ty. But isn't this exactly what parenting is really about, sacrifice? Didn't Christ our Father pay the ultimate sacrifice for his children and are we not to walk in the same ways?

It is a constant lesson, you would think I would have learned it on my journey into parenting, yet here I am learning it in the midst of parenting. I am thankful for the lesson and know that I have many more to learn!

My Heart

2009-09-15T16:24:00.006-04:00

This will be my third time of rewriting this post. I have even posted it, you may have caught it, and then pulled it off because I knew I was still not writing was really in my heart. I am still struggling to find the words to describe why it has been so hard to blog this journey so far.

The blog I posted this past week was called "Stepping Down." In it I describe that I was being asked to step down from the platform in the IF community, I realize now that I am not really stepping down, I will always have a voice when it comes to waiting and loss, however my journey has now taken me into parenting, and this I feel is my new platform. I also talked about how I wish I could so desperately take you girls who have been my closest friends in my waiting and darkness with me, however I now realize that you are walking it with me, cheering me along and setting aside the ache in your own heart to find joy for me.

5 weeks ago I was still waiting for my miracle. Even though we knew sweet Jaden was on his way I was still dealing with doubt and fear because all I have known is loss, so I in a way I was expecting loss. When the miracle of Jaden was born, and I held him in my arms and realized he was my son my world changed. Everything I ever knew slowly disappeared and took on a new shade. My wait, my loss, they all looked different in the eyes of a girl who was holding what she had been waiting for.

When I sit down to write out my emotions they get stuck in my heart because I don’t ever want to be the cause of pain for others. I can remember my closest friends struggling to tell me they were pregnant, I remember the joy for their miracle but the pain of loss and sorrow that entered my heart at the same time. I know when those of you who are still waiting for your miracle read about my journey into parenting, it will cause sorrow, and everything in me wishes so badly I was not the one causing this pain. So it has been easier for me just to not write or say anything about the joy I am experiencing, because I don’t want to cause you pain.

I am amazed by each of you, your support and love overwhelms me. I also remember all the times I had to push aside the ache inside my own heart to embrace someone else’s miracle, and I have to say I don’t regret ever doing that.

My journey has changed, and it is not fair to anyone for me to write about loss and waiting but not turn around and write about my joy and the gaining of a son.

On August 14th, Jaden Daniel was born. My heart melted the moment I saw him. My knees buckled and the nurse had to catch me, a part of me I never knew blossomed and bloomed and I became a mother.

To say I am in love with this little one is understatement. I never knew I could have a love like the love I am experiencing for Jaden, it is unlike anything I have ever experienced. When I look into his eyes, when I him hear cry, when I see him sleeping my heart explodes and I know that I am doing exactly what I am called to do. I would have waited a life time for sweet Jaden and I will never understand Gods favor on Kevin and I.

Thank you for being apart of this journey, for supporting me, for walking along side of me even in the midst of your sorrow and ache, you will never ever know how much it has meant to me. Please know I never mean to be insensitive in my writings, but it is time that I step up on a new platform that God has given to me- parenting! I am excited that my writings will change from waiting to having, from loss to gain, from sorrow to joy. We serve a good God!

Looking Back Embracing the Change

2009-08-29T20:03:00.001-04:00

As you can see I have been working on my blog...change....seems to be the theme of my life right now, so much has changed. This journey has taken me on a ride that neither Kevin nor I could have imagined, dreamed up, or written. This journey really has been a God ordained, God written, God established, and God completed journey. As I stop and think about it I realize that this is still just the beginning of such a huge picture and story that God is writing.

One of the reasons it has taken me so long to write on my blog is because I am not sure what direction my blog is about to take. For so long this was my journal on grief of losing two babies, on negative pregnancy tests, on the journey of wanting a child so desperately and the lessons God was teaching me through each moment. Now this journey is about the gain of a child through adoption but not just any kind of adoption, open adoption. And soon adding our second son through pregnancy!

I have always wanted my writing and sharing to be open and honest, how else can the glory of the Lord be shown? Honesty is the only way that anyone will truly see that this journey was not by man’s hand but only by the Lords. To describe our journey to Jaden, Liesl and Tyler will take months, I think as I slowly continue to process all God has and still doing sharing will become easy and natural, but right now it is still so fresh and still so emotional that when I sit down to write out my experience I am actually left with a blank slate. I can’t find the right words to describe all that God accomplished.

I have written about my journey and this adoption along the way, I am going to share with you guys a couple of my journal entries in the next couple of months. They have been fun to go back and re-read.
Here was my first one after getting the call about Jaden:

Turning the Corner

This Blog is dedicated to turning the corner and walking into the long desired roll of being a mom. It is not the conventional way, where I get a positive pregnancy test, and make a creative
announcement. For me those things I don't think will ever happen because of all that Kevin and I have been through, we have lost our innocence in pregnancy. Actually as of now the road into parenting looks completely different then I think Kevin and I could have ever imagined.

On Sunday February 15th we got a call from a pastor that I worked with a while back, wanting to know if Kevin and I have ever been interested in adoption. Yes we have but we have never felt that it was the right time. In fact right before we found out we were pregnant with Judah we were praying about moving forward with adoption, God closed that door and the door to getting pregnant for awhile. The call from the former pastor was nothing we were anticipating, expecting or even thinking about.

After he asked us where our hearts were with adoption he began to tell us about a young girl who was pregnant and if we would be interested in adopting her baby. YES!! YES!!! YES!! (I will be very guarded with name and locations wanting to protect the birth mom’s journey and heart.) For us it was an instant yes, with guarded hearts. As of right now we are moving forward with this adoption although we know that things could turn in another direction in a second.

Sweet girl (which is how I will refer the birth mom as) is due in August. We know this family and I do have some connection with them, although as of now we are not talking with any of them to protect all hearts involved.

We are having started the process with an agency where she is from and we will began with our agency here in North Carolina which is called Amazing Grace! I am more than excited but also very aware of how the risk involved. The reality for me and wanting to be a mom is that risk is going to be involved even if I were to get pregnant, it is the journey God has asked me to walk and I okay with that. I have learned so much on this journey to parenting, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is that God is always good no matter what He may ask us to walk through. If I never become a mom here on earth it is okay because it does not change my love for God or my faith in God, God is good no matter what. I hold onto that reality when my arms ache to be a mother. God is my fulfillment not my children, I am already filled with His amazing love and grace!

Kevin and I are excited and are moving forward in praying for this baby and all God is going to do. Please come along side of us and pray for Sweet Girl, as this journey is scary and difficult, I am praying that she will find God, not the religion, but the relationship he longs to have with her. I am also praying for the baby, that God would place that baby exactly where He longs for them to be. We have our palms open, wanting only Gods best for all involved. I am excited about journaling this exciting journey- even though we do not know how the God will journal the ending, I am ready to be a part of his story!

Doing Well....

2009-08-19T12:06:00.002-04:00

We are all doing so well, hard to believe sweet little Jaden is 5 days old. We are still in Colorado waiting for paperwork to be filed that gives us permission to leave. Hopefully in the next few days I will really be able to sit down and give you all updates. For now just know we are in love with this little boy! Continue to pray for Liesl, she is amazing but this time of transition is not easy.

We will not be posting pictures on my blog, because it is so public. We will set up a photo album, if you would like the password please email me silvertanner@gmail.com. Hopefully we will have that set up in the next day or so.

thanks for all the prayers, please keep the coming, we are ready to be home with this little one!!!

Friday August 14th, 2009

2009-08-15T10:51:00.002-04:00

Jaden Daniel was born!!!! Weighing 6lbs 10oz and 20 inches long! He has a full head of dark hair! He is amazing and is the best baby, we are so in love!

Unable to update now. Please continue to pray for Liesl and this time of transition, she is doing amazing and is a strong young women.

HIS Journey!

2009-08-13T12:20:00.001-04:00

As I sit here today I can't believe that I have already been in Colorado for almost a week. In some ways it feels so short and in other ways it feels like I have been here for weeks. The hardest part of being out here has been to be without Kevin. God is sustaining me in ways I could have never imagined, but it is really hard not having your husband here as your emotional support.

Liesl is amazing, our journey is amazing and God is constantly amazing us. It seems to be a theme. God is showing himself to Liesl in ways I am even astonished by. He is calling out to her and her family wanting to love her right where she is at. We are staying busy, laughing a lot and having lots of heart to heart conversations. We have stopped telling people we are “like” sisters and have moved right in to being “sisters.”

Yesterday was such an eventful and unexpected day. My routine has been to get up early and spend some time alone and with God, allowing him to fill my heart with his love and strength. After a couple of hours Liesl and I always meet up for the rest of our day and yesterday was no different, except God showed up in such huge ways. Before yesterday “C” (Jaden’s birth father) would not sign papers, he was totally against signing anything. Liesl and I decided to call our agency and make a meeting together to talk through some of the things that are to come and when Liesl placed the call she never expected to here that Beth Woods (agency councilor) was on her way to meet with C and his mom to get papers signed. We were shocked and anxious. I immediately sent out a prayer request to my family to PRAY PRAY PRAY, an hour later we got the phone call… C SIGNED!

We were both overwhelmed and excited, God is so faithful and this has been His journey and story from the beginning. Liesl and I have talked a lot about the days to come, the emotions that will follow and the doubts we are having. She is confident in the decision she is making, but giving up a child is the hardest thing any girl or women could ever do. I lost my children not by choice, Liesl is CHOOSING to give her son the BEST life she can, and I am truly amazed by her.

I ask that you would be in prayer as the day gets closer; I know emotions will run strong and I know we cannot truly prepare ourselves for what is to come. Please pray especially for Liesl and her family as they walk this journey. God is faithful and will continue to be faithful!

Liesl had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, she is 4cm dilated and fully effaced! They are expecting any day but if she does not come by Wednesday of next week they will talk inducing, which means Jaden will be with us in less than two weeks!!!

I am Here

2009-08-11T16:06:00.001-04:00

“I am here…” This seems to be the phrase I have been using a lot. I arrived at Liesl's and LeAnn's (Liesl's mom) house yesterday. We hung out for awhile and I showed her all of Jaden’s things, it was fun to look at all the outfits and talk about his arrival, still so surreal. We then packed up and went to dinner with Tyler. We had a good time and are really bonding as a family, talking through everything that is to come in the days ahead. I will not have internet access all the time so my updates might be random.

I am doing well, getting nervous and am anxious about his arrival. I still don’t think I will rest easy until this little one is in my arms and we are heading towards the Blue Ridge Mountains. I am overcome with emotion for what I know Liesl is going to experience and am in deep prayer for her constantly.

I am thankful for God’s sovereignty and rest in it by the minute. I know God is faithful and I know I can’t rest in my expectations or wants but I can rest in the love He has for me and this family.

Thanks for all the prayers we need them!

Emotions in Colorado

2009-08-09T10:08:00.002-04:00

Well I am here! It is a strange feeling to wake up in Colorado, but it was an even stranger feeling realizing I was coming to Colorado to pick up my son. I don't know if the true emotions of what I am doing here have truly set in.

I did sleep the best I have slept in weeks last night, Kevin said he slept well last night too and I think it is because we are at such a peace with me being here. The goodbye at the airport was a teary one as we could not say..."see you in a couple of days," we left not knowing how the rest of August will play out.

I am staying at Kevin's parents house until Monday, then I will head to see Liesl and stay at her house with her for the remainder of the time (please pray sooner the later). I am trying to relax and enjoy the last few days before I am mom, but it is so hard to do, I am so ready to meet, love and cherish Jaden!

I will update as I can and we appreciate all your prayers, we need them!

We are Getting Close

2009-08-07T06:35:00.001-04:00

Liesl called me Wednesday night she is over 3 cm dilated, and although she could sit at that for three weeks we are defiantly in the “on the go” mode! After a lot of prayer we decided I will head out there Saturday and spend the remainder of my time with her and her family. This way no one will be stressed that I will not be there, including Kevin and I.

I am not looking forward to being away from Kev for what could be three weeks; I know in my heart that this is the best decision for everyone. I also know that the extra time with Liesl will only deepen our relationship and prepare her for the loss she is about to experience. I am hoping we can both be open about some of fears and expectations.

I will try to keep everyone as informed as I can, but prayer is needed above all right now! Looking forward to announcing the birth of Jaden in the coming days!!!

Today in the Face of a Year

2009-07-31T09:37:00.004-04:00

As I awoke this morning I was feeling very emotional about many things. As I rolled over and peered out our big glass windows I could tell it was a rainy day, and for whatever reason I love rainy days and so I smiled. I laid there with my puppies giving me their morning wakeup snuggles and started thinking about where I was a year ago today. I could not remember but I do know that after losing Judah I updated my blog almost every day. I thought maybe I had posted something a year ago today and was anxious to see.

As I came down stairs and opened my windows, turned on my computer and started my coffee (don’t worry half and half) I began to think about all God has done in my life over the last couple of years, two losses and two blessing all within two years, is that not so hard to comprehend, is that not a story only our God could write?

As I opened my blog I had to giggle, I have only written 38 post in 2009, in 2008 I wrote 157, you can tell my healing as been accomplished and although there are days my arms ache for my unborn babies my heart is rejoicing in all God has done. I scrolled through past post, which is always hard for me to do, it is hard to look back at some of my darkest days. I know I would never trade them but the impact of them has forever changed me in ways I could never express with words. Finally I find July 31, 2008, check it out…it truly is a miracle.

Every Monday I start a new week, and this Monday I will be starting my 18th week, I will be finding out soon what I am having although we already know it is a little boy, baby Ty. I am wearing maternity clothes, my nursery is completed and in the wings of a couple of weeks I will be bringing home my first born son Jaden Daniel. Today in the face of a year ago, look at where God brings us look at what God does.

I know many of you are waiting for your miracle, many of you a baby, maybe a husband that will fall on his knees in worship to his king, maybe a job, who knows, but hold onto hope, because God does not do anything on our time. It is a miracle that I am expecting two babies in the face of a year, how could this be? Only by Gods perfect writing, He is the great “I AM” “The Author and Creator”, “the Beginning and the End.” Hold onto not what you face in today but what God can do in tomorrow!

Praise, Prayer and Updates

2009-07-23T08:10:00.003-04:00

Of course there is so much going on, but I don't ever want this blog to become about everything pregnancy or adopting, I am still trying to find the balance so please be patient with me. I do however want to give everyone updates to let them know how things are going!

I am doing well, moving full speed ahead it seems in every direction. My life has not slowed down and at this point I believe it will only continue to speed up, I am ready for it. I of course am still dealing with fears and anxieties and I find myself more attached to sweet baby Ty as he continues to grow at 16 weeks. We had an appointment yesterday and everything is right on track, they even believe I have popped!! Praise the Lord!

Things with Liesl and Jaden are running smoothly. I am constantly amazed at Liesl and our growing friendship and family. She is a strong young women and I am beyond proud of her. We do need to pray that the birth father would sign papers, he is dragging his feet and it will only delay everything. We have had some bumps in the road with paper work and finalizing a few things but with everything Kevin and I have gone through I take them and don't dwell on them. I am constantly reminded that Satan is an active player in this journey and not wanting to see God's ultimate plan come to completion, so I must constantly put on my armor of God and go to battle.

It is amazing that I am only five weeks away from welcoming our first son into the world, I am overcome with emotion and of course the fear that I will not do everything just right for Jaden. I know I will make mistakes and so our prayers have already been with open hands as offer Jaden to the Lord to fulfill His plan and work in little Jaden’s life. I think Loss will make you do this.

As the time gets closer I am sure I will update more about the process of adoption and all the emotions wrapped into it. As for the moment I do ask that you would pray for sweet Liesl, her life is about to change and I pray that the transition is as smooth as it can be, that God would wrap her in his sweet arms and carry her through!

47 days!

2009-07-09T16:56:00.003-04:00

Well the nursery is almost done, and baby Jaden will join the world in 47 days unless he decides to come early, which is what I think will happen. We are so overwhelmed and amazed by our God’s blessings in our lives. When I walk into the nursery it often times brings tears to my eyes, it has been a long and difficult journey and I can't believe that the nursery is not someone else’s, but it is my vision and dream, it is ours and the feeling is indescribable. If you are up to and want to see you can click on Jaden's Room and view it, but please don’t feel like you have to.

Last night Kevin and I enjoyed an evening out to dinner and then a trip to Babies R Us, it is interesting to walk into a store that for so long caused such an ache in my heart, and even as I walk through the doors I often times feel as though we don’t belong and they are going to escort me out. We need to pick out a car seat for Jaden and ship it to Colorado Springs in the next week. As we search and play with the car seats I am once again overtaken by emotion, and of course often times finding myself praying for those who so desperately want to be doing the same thing, girls I do pray for you so often.

Many of you have asked when and if we are going to have a shower before Jaden comes, Kevin and I have spent a lot of time discussing this and have decided that a shower would just be too difficult right now. Kevin and I have been robbed of our innocence, it just comes with the territory of loss and as much as I would like to say that lives in the past, the loss of my two babies has forever sculpted the person I am today and the way I view things in life, especially when it comes to having a baby.

My desire is to have a celebration of life party once we have sweet Jaden in our arms, until that moment I don’t think I could bare doing a shower and then something happen….it is the reality of which I live in. However, I have to admit there have been many moments that I have wished for a shower just to help with some of the larger and more expensive items that Kevin and I are now having to purchase, but once again I am reminded of God’s abundant grace and provision in our lives and I know without a shadow of doubt that He has and will provide every need and want we have for the boys!

So although we are not registering or doing things the way every other couple does them does not mean I have not had my fun of dreaming of items I would love to have, so I have put together a wish list that I am still adding to and would love to share it with you, not because I am asking for these items but just because it is fun to see what a girls dreams are….but once again I will put it in a link (Beth’s Wish List) so that those of you who are not up for looking at it will not have too. And please don’t, I will forever remind you that it is okay!

Which is what I would like to close this post on, I am amazed by the girls God has brought in my life through this blog, I don’t always respond back and I don’t always tell you girls how much you mean to me, I feel your cheers and encouragement even in the midst of your own grief and waiting and the feeling is indescribable. Please know, that those of you who are my faithful followers are being prayed for, I go to God so often asking for Him to release His blessing in your life. Know how much you are loved, cherished and appreciated you were and still are the valleys of joy in the journey of sorrow!

Oh My Great Suprise!!!

2009-07-05T10:36:00.001-04:00

What a week it has been!!! I have been able to have some amazing time with my dearest friend Jamie before the babies come (that is still so hard for me to write out because it does not seem real...). We have enjoyed endless conversations, laughter, tears, fireworks and all!

This past week we also found out that Jaden’s birthfather has come forward and seems at this point to be cooperating as he should be; this is such an answer to prayer. I don’t think my heart will be at ease until I hold sweet Jaden in my arms and things are final, three days after his birth. We also began the home study this week, Monday is our first one and then I believe we will have one Tuesday as well, I am excited to get this last step behind us.

On Thursday we had a bit of a scare with the pregnancy… I started cramping extremely bad, we called the doctor and they quickly made an appointment for me that same day. I can’t even tell you how scared I was, I kept repeating to myself that “no matter what, we would be okay…” and I knew in my heart that we really would be okay even if it meant then unthinkable. We were so blessed to have my doctor who was on call. I thought maybe they would just listen to the heart beat, but when Dr. Cobb heard about my pain he opted for an ultrasound. Immediately they could see the baby moving, and a strong beautiful heartbeat! Praise the Lord. Then Dr. Cobb looked at me and asked if we wanted to know what we were having…YES!!!! Sweet Jaden will have a BROTHER! We will be naming him after Liesl’s brother Tyler, he is the reason we are getting our first born plus we love the name! So January 5th we will have a Tyler James Tanner, James after our grandfathers!!!

As for the cramping, of course it is something I have never heard of it is called an entrapped uterus, basically I am not “popping” out like I should be, I really should not be showing but I should have a little something I can just feel, however I have nothing so it is causing me a lot of pain. We just need to pray that is pops out on its own because if it does not they have to go in and manually pop it out, not something I want to experience.

We are praising the Lord for his amazing grace and blessings in our lives. Soon I will post pictures of the nursery but I want to wait until I have it completely done, all I need are curtains and picture frames! I will tell you it looks amazing!

New Paths....

2009-06-23T21:42:00.004-04:00

To be quite honest I am not sure how to start this letter, or where to begin. As I search my heart for words I come up empty and am praying that God will give me the words that are embedded deep into my heart. As I am sitting at the desk I have the song “As my Savior Leads Me” by Chris Tomlin playing on repeat because I feel like it describes our journey. The words are:

All the way my Savior leads me

Who have I to ask beside

How could I doubt His tender mercy

Who through life has been my guide

All the way my Savior leads me

Cheers each winding path I tread

Gives me grace for every trial

Feeds me with the living Bread

[Chorus:]You lead me and keep me from falling

You carry me close to Your heart

And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow meAll the way my Savior leads me

O, the fullness of His love

O, the sureness of His promise
In the triumph of His blood

And when my spirit clothed immortal

Wings its flight to realms of day

This my song through endless ages

Jesus led me all the way

Jesus led me all the way

All the way my Savior leads me

All the way my Savior leads me

God has wrapped Kevin and I into his loving wings and carried us through some of our greatest trials, we look back and although the tears still come as we long for the babies we have lost we know we would walk it all over again if it meant that God would gain all the glory, and He has!

As I sit here and write you, my sweet and loving husband is in the back bedroom which we now call Jaden’s room, he is preparing it for his son that will be arriving in less than ten weeks! Jaden is our first blessing, he is already loved, already wanted, already desired, dreamed about and cherished, and Jaden is and will always be our first BORN! 5 months later, we will give birth to his brother or sister, our second blessing. Even to write that out now I am amazed by what God is giving us! I am 12 weeks pregnant with a second blessing that is already loved, wanted and cherished! We are amazed at what God is doing in our lives and find ourselves often times speechless to describe all that God is giving us!

I have been praying about this post, when and how to write it, the above portion of what I have written is actually part of a letter that we are sending out to our family to announce our news. I have struggled to find the appropriate words to share the exciting news but to also be sensitive to those who read my blog who I know hearts are being torn in two with this news. There is the joy that comes from knowing that someone is receiving their miracle, joy that brings hope, joy that is deep down inside….but what seems to take over in many cases is sorrow, sorrow as you remember the babies you have lost, sorrow of not knowing when, how or if you will receive your miracle, sorrow as you watch one more of those you follow cross over onto the other side.

I get it, and I hate that I am the one causing you this pain. Please know that if you are in this group, which many of you are, that I understand, and however you feel, whatever you need to do, however many tears fall…it is okay.

I have been so absent in blogging lately because once again my blog is about to take on new colors and different shades, my blog is my friend, it has been with me on this journey and as much debate as I have done I have decided that I will continue to post on this blog just as honestly as I have in the past, each turn in the journey brings new path, and this is the new path.

With that said, I understand now if following or reading is too difficult and once again I remind you that it is okay…your allowed to feel that way, I too have felt that way.

Please know that in the midst of my honest writing and updating there will be level of sensitivity as I so remember the pain and ache you are feeling, and although I may be “crossing over” as so many of you have put it, I can never leave completely after the journey God has asked Kevin and I to walk, it does not define who I am but it describes why I am the way I am.

Just know that in the midst of the journey, I have cried out for each of you, thought and prayed over you and knowing that this news will affect many of you, I can only pray that God will wrap you each into his loving wings and carry you through those difficult times and moments.

All The Way Our Savior Leads

2009-06-20T13:12:00.003-04:00

What an amazing 3 days we had with Liesl and her brother Tyler!!! God is so faithful and I still cannot believe that our son Jaden will be born in less than 10 weeks. To try and describe how amazing the trip was is difficult for me, I am not sure there are words to describe just how much I love this little boy and how much we already love Liesl. God is expanding our family in ways I never ever imagined! Our God is so faithful!!!! Our Savior is always leading us, wether it is through suffering or through joy, He is always present!

Just a Small Glimpse

2009-06-13T15:03:00.002-04:00

1 Cleaned out Office

1 trip to Lowes

2 Skimmed coated walls

6 loads of laundry

3,0000 trips up and down the stairs

3 rearanged rooms

11 potted plants

Preparing for Jaden.....Priceless!!!

One Year...

2009-06-09T15:18:00.002-04:00

Sweet Judah,
Today I believe in my heart you are turning one in heaven, with angel kisses and a big birthday feast. I know that your life is being celebrated with those who I love so dearly and who I know tell you wonderful stories of who your mommy and daddy are.

You are missed everyday, not just today. You were our second pregnancy and a joy everyday I got to have you. Your life was short but made an everlasting imprint on our hearts. We will forever love you and miss you, but we celbrate who you are!

Happy birthday sweet boy!

Two Years Ago Today

2009-05-31T14:41:00.001-04:00

Two years ago I said hello and goodbye to my first son

Two years ago a piece of me flew to heaven on angels wings

Two years ago I crossed over the line of wanting to gaining

Two years ago I walked into motherhood

Two years ago I learned what grief was and watched as my heart broke

Two years ago I opened the palms of my hands allowing God to take everything

Two years ago I realized my journey into motherhood was going to be difficult terrain

Two year ago I named my first son after my dad, Eddie they will forever share birthdays

Two years ago I had no Idea I would be expecting my third, Jaden Daniel Tanner through adoption

Two years ago is behind, the future lies ahead and I embrace it with open arms

Happy Birthday my sweet little Eddie, you are celebrating your 2nd birthday today, we love you, miss you and carry you with us everyday!

Meeting Stacey

2009-05-26T15:42:00.002-04:00

What an amazing God given night!!! Stacey and her husband Chuck were in Tenn. for a vacation. On Thursday they made the drive to NC to visit with Kevin and I. We had so much fun downtown Asheville! Kevin and I pretended we knew what we were doing showing them around however somehow ended up in an alley, parking garage, stairwell and eventually back to the first place we saw to eat! They were so patient with us and we enjoyed a nice evening of sharing and encouraging.

It was an amazing adventure to meet Stacey, and telling our story even baffled us. The fact that we met through blogging is such an unexpected gift to my heart. We are kindred spirits and meeting up only confirmed our already blooming friendship!

God is so amazing to allow something as blogging to be such a connection with others, Stacey's friendship means the world to me and you would never have guessed we had just met that night. It was sad to see them go but I know that they will be forever friends in the years to come!

Thanks Stace for coming all this way, you are a blessing and I love you!

New Terrain

2009-05-14T10:22:00.002-04:00

My mind has been all over the place lately. Between Mothers Day, the anniversary of Eddie and then Judah, Kevin and me celebrating 5 years soon and of course the overwhelming amount of paper work we have been issued I have defiantly been on overload!

A lot of people thought I should be celebrating Mothers Day this year, but it is so very hard to do. I know that in three months we are going to be holding our son (which still amazes me to say, and you should check out how great I look for being six months pregnant….j/k) but I don’t know that Mothers Day will be easy to celebrate, especially since this is my third Mothers Day when we are “expecting.” Kevin and I ended up staying home on Sunday and being together, enjoying each other and of course we did one of our favorite things, we went for a hike! It is hard to believe that this time last year I was pregnant with Judah, and two years ago I was pregnant with Eddie. I am beyond excited about all that God is doing, but honestly I still deal with fear daily, having to take those thought captive and not let them rob me of my joy.

Jaden has brought such joy to Kevin and I, we were talking about him yesterday and how Kevin hopes he is born a little early so he will not miss his first Broncos game, yes we already have him a Broncos outfit to wear and Kevin can’t wait to have a buddy to watch the games with! I am constantly amazed at the family God is bringing to us; we truly love Liesl and are so excited to have her part of ours and sweet Jaden’s life. God is an amazing God.

In the evenings this is what you will find Kevin doing:

Because we are working with two agencies and two states we have a LOT of paper work and fees to pay for. We are at peace that God is in control, He knows our finances and we know He will provide, but our flesh wants desperately to know how and when…. Until then if you come to my house you will see a house that is full of paper work, we have a month to get this all completed and then our next steps will be home studies and preparing for little Jaden! Thanks for your prayers and interest in our journey, this is defiantly new terrain for us!

Turning the Bend in the Journey

2009-05-08T08:07:00.000-04:00

How do I even begin this post? To describe all that is happening in our lives is overwhelming and miraculous and so much to take in. I am truly having a hard time forming words around all that we are going through, thinking and feeling. I guess the first thing I have been pondering lately is this blog.

I have talked about it before, the journey of this blog, how it was first created to keep in contact with the middle school students I was working with. It was a way for the 300+ students to get a chance to get to know me and my daily struggles, it remained that for about half a year. Then when we moved and lost our first baby it quickly became a place for me to post what was going on with Kevin and me and our lives and journey of moving to NC and trying for our second. After we lost Judah it became a blog about grief, infertility and trying to walk the journey giving God all the glory.

In the last couple of years of my life I have written 233 posts, had over 10,000 hits, and linked up with friends I would have never met. This blog has truly been a hidden treasure from God that has become a best friend. So now that my journey is taking a turn into parenting do I close this blog down? Honestly I know how happy many of you were for me, but I do know the boat some of you are in, I know that there are girls who have been trying for 7 years with many miscarriages, I know that there are girls going through IVF right now, those of you who are pregnant, those of you who have been trying so long and have decided to take a break, those of you who have been waiting for your baby through adoption much longer then Kevin and I, and those of you I don’t know much about. I do know that some of you heard that I was adopting rejoiced for me but also felt the pain in your heart as God has called you to wait a little longer.

So, I know that now this blog is about to be the journey into adopting, the ups and downs, fears, joy and then one day about the moment I held Jaden for the first time. I invite you a long, but I can’t promise that for some of you it may be hard to read, and I understand because I know that feeling; I know that I had to chose not read a few blogs because it surfaced my pain too much. I will promise to always be sensitive, to remember the wide variety of readers, but know I understand if you must take a break from reading. I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to walk this journey- it is different for every person and you must walk it the way God created you to walk it. Just know I am praying for you and looking forward to seeing your prayers answered.

Tanner News

2009-05-04T19:03:00.002-04:00

Dear Family and Friends,
We are so excited we get to write this email, and explain all God is doing in our lives in this season. It is hard to believe that we are coming up on a year of loosing Judah and two years of when we lost Eddie, God has truly been faithful through the storms and brought us through the difficult times. Kevin and I are stronger and would do it all over again if the Lord asked us too.

The night before I found out I was losing Judah, I can remember praying and calling out to God through my fears and uncertainties. My levels were so high they thought I was having twins, as I was praying I was crying out to the Lord in the midst of the unknowns “Oh Lord please is everything going to be okay? Am I having twins?” and His sweet and constant reply to His anxious daughter was “Wait and see what I have for you Beth!”

Even the day while lying on the bed in the doctor’s office and having her tell me I was not having a baby, the Lords voice through the wind, thunder, and rain was saying to me “Wait and see Beth, just wait and see…” Never in a million years did I imagine what the Lord meant when He would whisper His promise to me.

I have always known that my God works in mysterious and wondrous ways, I have always known that my God does things outside of the box we tend to put Him, I always knew but honestly never expected. From the start of this journey, from our first steps onto the rocky and scary path we were determined to walk it glorifying God and giving God our lives to bring children into our home however He wanted to. We have always known that adoption was a calling on our lives, we just did not know when or how God would orchestrate that into our lives.

But we are so excited to ANNOUNCE~~~
On August 27, 2009 Kevin and I will be meeting our third, but first LIVING son. On August 27, 2009 Kevin and I are adopting not just a child but a family. On August 27, 2009 Jaden Daniel Tanner will enter this world, and we will embrace him as ours!

You are probably wondering how all this started, how did God orchestrate this amazing story and just what I mean when I say we are adopting not just a child but a family??

When I worked at the church in Colorado I got to know one amazing young man, Tyler. Tyler and I became instant friends, and had an instant connection! He was a senior in high school at the time and he helped out a lot with the middle school youth group that I worked with! Never in a million years did I know that he would play such a huge role in bringing a child into our home.

Liesl is Tyler’s sweet sister, and at 17 she found herself pregnant. She being the brave and amazing young girl that she is decided to place her baby up for adoption, and Tyler thought of Kevin and I, and so began our story.

We began making contact with her, talking with her and embracing her, a few weeks later we booked tickets to come visit her, and to be with her. The Monday before the Friday we left she called letting us know that she had chosen us, we would be her son’s parents! We are just coming home from the amazing visit with her and her family!

Kevin and I wanted an open adoption, and this family wanted an open adoption, and that is what we are going to have. They are planning on coming to visit us, spend holidays together and be a part of Jaden’s life. Kevin and I are beyond excited knowing that this is exactly what God is calling us to do. We know many people may not understand, but we don’t always understand God’s ways because God’s ways are not our ways!!! We are laying down our lives not only for our son but for this family in hopes that they would experience God’s abundant grace and love even more!

We appreciate all the prayers we can get; we know that this process is going to be an adventure in every direction we look. We have to trust the Lord with our finances and with the future details as we began the process and journey of adoption. We are so excited and are excited to announce the life of our first born!!

*Please Pray for Liesl, this will be a new journey for her, she needs all the support and love we can give her, and as time goes on many of you will meet her because this family is now our family!

* Please pray for Jaden, that God would keep him safe and protected in the womb.

*Please pray for Kevin and I as we walk new ground, and turn the corner on our journey.

We are beyond excited and are so excited to introduce the newest members of our family:
LeAnn- Liesl’s mom
Tyler- Liesl’s brother AND
Liesl- Jaden's Birth mom

Surrendering to a Godly Perspective

2009-04-27T12:59:00.004-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about what to write lately. I honestly don't have words to describe the blessings Kevin and I have been experiencing. I was speaking with a friend this morning about how it is not like anything has changed in my life from the human perspective, I am still at this moment childless, I still have two losses, I am still not pregnant (at least not that I know of...), so what has changed to make me see and feel things so differently?

I really believe that Kevin and I are daily taking on the Godly perspective. We are seeing that our joy, as much as we would like to think it will be fulfilled by child, will never be truly filled by a child. We are coming to a point in our lives of true surrender, and not a surrendering in hopes to have a baby but a total surrender to live our lives according to God's purpose! We are being so fulfilled by laying down our lives for those around us, for letting go of our finances not for a child but for Gods purpose of blessing those around us. We are finally realizing that the more we let go the more we are blessed, we are beyond blessed and filled with joy because we are in complete surrender to God, and this is bringing the joy that fulfills like nothing we have ever experienced.

Kevin and I have had our trials, and I am sure there are more trials to come, but my perspective is not on the trial, but on who God is, who He has called me to be and knowing He will bless us and keep us beyond what we could ever imagine or ask for.

So be truly glad.[a] There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
8 You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. 1 Peter 1:5-8

We are being called purified gold, we know the testing will come again and we are ready, because we know the joy will follow! The trials, my friends are only “for a little while.”

Kevin is Amazing

2009-04-20T12:53:00.004-04:00

Here is a slide show of the most recent project, don't worry there is no music so just enjoy the pics!

I Can't Blossoming into I CAN

2009-04-13T12:41:00.005-04:00

I can't believe… that it has been 10 months since losing Judah

I can't believe… that I was pregnant this time last year

I can't believe… where I have been

I can't believe… where I have come from

I can't believe… where I am standing now

I can't believe… all that God has done, will do, and is doing

I can't believe… the blessings through the suffering

I can't believe… God's abundant everlasting Love towards me

I can't believe… all that has happened and all I have been through

I CAN believe… in God who HE is, what HE does and what HE will do-

I can't believe… how much I am moving forward into what I Can believe

I Had to Go through the can't to get to the other side of the I CAN Believe!

Moments Framed

2009-04-06T23:02:00.001-04:00

Has been updated, please let me know what you think!

Momentsframed.blogspot.com

Oh My What a Great Suprise

2009-04-02T23:03:00.004-04:00

Kevin called me when he got home from work today
There is a big dent in our Mazda is what he had to say.

What are you sure? It just can't be I explain
I did not and would not go out in this yucky rain!

Come down quick and see for yourself,
I promise it is there and nothing else

So as quick as I could I slid on my shoes
and dashed for the stairs to see if it was true...

As I came down the stairs I could not believe my eyes
For there stood my Kevin with a great big surprise!

A brand new Cannon camera just for me
to capture all those moments I always See!!!
Thanks babe!!!!

First picture taken!!!

Claim it by Name

2009-04-02T12:19:00.002-04:00

I am constantly amazed by the love I feel through this blog. I am constantly amazed at how God has used this blog to bring such amazing and wonderful people into my life. I never knew how God would bless me through this, I never knew that first day of writing on this blog about the journey God was having Kevin and I walk would turn into such an incredible blessing.

It truly is amazing that what Satan means for evil God turns around and uses for Good, to bring glory to His name and to bless His children in ways I could never expect or imagine.

One of things God is teaching me daily is to be very specific with my prayers, saying it aloud speaking it with confidence. Which is why Kevin and I decided to share the names of our children on the blog, we believe with all our hearts that in Gods timing these will be our children.

I had to giggle at all who are also going to name their children with similar names, please know this does nothing but excite me. I would love if every one of you girls who are struggling with infertility start calling out your children’s names. You do not have do this publically (although I would love to be able to pray for your children by name) but in your personal prayers start praying for your children by name! God already calls them by name, why should we not do the same!

Thank you will never say enough for what you girls have done for me during this journey! I am excited to see all God is going to do in our lives; I have an expectant heart for all of you!

Don’t worry Kevin won’t really track you down, he and I will be claiming them with you!

Katherine Rae and Jaden Daniel

2009-03-30T20:56:00.005-04:00

We had our appointment today with our new OB. It was a follow up from all the testing Kevin and I went through the last couple of weeks. It seems all is well. Kevin's testing came back clear and clearer and more clear. My test… not so much…. but still better than either of us expected or imagined.

Our Dr. does not even think he would classify me with PCOS, and if I did have it, it would be a very mild case...this I am claiming as a healing miracle! I do have a slight increase in a level that can sometimes be caused by a growth on my pituitary gland, it raises awareness and at this moment in time it is benign and not of concern. I will continue to get this checked every six months. If it continues to grow it can cause problems with conceiving, but we are not claiming these things. But please pray for me as I deal with fear and feeling overwhelmed even though our doctor is not concerned I tend to be worried.

As of right now Kevin and I are officially "trying" and are excited about it. We will try on our own for three months and if we are not still pregnant we have appointment in June to discuss what steps we will take next. But we are believing I will be pregnant before then, my next appointment will be to see a baby on that ultrasound!

I am feeling excited!!! I still deal with fear but I know I can’t live in that and I must move past it.

I keep imagining our baby in my arms, the warmth of their sweet body, their tiny little hands and feet. I picture their first smile, giggle, step and word. I know that God did not give me these desires if it was not His desire. I am looking forward to meeting our third child, our little Katherine Rae or Jaden Daniel. We pray for them, dream of them and already love them. I know it will be in God’s perfect timing and plan and I rest in that. I am at peace with this journey and even though I still have my hard moments I claim the future of what God is going to bless Kevin and me with!

(Yes these are my future names, I share them with you so you can claim it with me, not so you can steal them, and if you do Kevin will track you down!!!)

Our Amazing Weekend

2009-03-23T18:10:00.005-04:00

This is Kevin and his uncle right before he took us out on a two hour tour! It was one of my favorite things!

Kevin writing our boys names in the sand

Our boys are never far from our minds!

When we left the Blue Angels were at the same airport we were flying out of, we got to watch with an amazing view!

Constantly Amazed

2009-03-20T17:05:00.004-04:00

I am constantly amazed by Gods abundant love and amazing grace towards His children. Almost a year later of finding out I was pregnant I find myself without a child to hold and call my own but in a place of deep love for my Father.

If I must walk through the fire to see my Fathers face I would do it a hundred times over. Kevin and I have needed this time to get close to one another but also find abundant healing in our Fathers embrace.

I love the ocean, I love Gods creation, I love the love Kevin and I have for one another and I love feeling Gods healing breath upon my face and in my spirit. The trip to Florida has been such a blessing, we have enjoyed family and God beauty.

Tonight we ate out and we sat on a the deck right on the water, once again God sent dolphins to dance for us while we enjoyed our meal. It seems that He is sending them often because we saw them today while sitting out on Kevin's grandparents deck. After we left dinner Kevin and I walked down to the water for a moment and enjoyed the sunset. "Why is it I am enjoying this trip more?" I asked Kevin, his reply summed up our experience through our loss "I think we appreciate things more..."

We do appreciate things more, because we know what it means to lose something so precious and dear to you.

Don't worry I will have pictures soon!

Moving Forward

2009-03-11T10:32:00.002-04:00

Wow I am slacking on my blogging. I don't mean to, but I am healing so well that I find myself more and more busy everyday, which is such a blessing.

Things are progressing in the journey to being a mom. Today we had an appointment with a new OB. After many recommendations from several of my close friends Kevin and I felt in our hearts that we were in need of a change.

It is never easy for me to walk into an OBGYN's office. Everywhere I look seems to be shouting at me what I can't have. Every pregnant women I see, seems to be screaming at me that I will never get to experience it, it was not different today. It was hard.

I am so glad we went though and my first appointment with my doctor could not have gone any better. Even in the midst of some hard news we felt encouraged that we are once again climbing back on the "horse."

My doctor was shocked at my story, in all his years he had never had a patient with an ectopic pregnancy and a molar pregnancy. He was also shocked to learn about the near death experience I had with my ectopic pregnancy- we were once again reminded that this should never have happened- but it did.

After going through my history and talking through my molar pregnancy I told him we got the all clear six months ago, although God (he is a believer as well, how amazing) had really placed on our hearts to wait a couple of months but we were ready to start trying again. He looked at us with concern on his face and said that given the severity of my particular situation he would not be comfortable with us trying until a full year has passed. The moment my heart fell to the ground- once again.

We understand but were not expecting that news. I know we are nine months in but when you are ready and when you have waited so long already and additional months seem hard to swallow. We respect his council and in the mean time I will began all the testing and this time Kevin will be going through some testing as well.

We know that in order for us to have child, the normal path of “just trying” is not a reality for us anymore. My doctor found great hope in the fact that I have gotten pregnant, my issue I guess is not getting pregnant but rather having a successful pregnancy. I wish there was a word to describe my journey- I don’t fit in the infertility boat, but I don’t’ fit in the boat of success, so where do I fit in?

I am a little blue today processing all of this information but I am more hopeful than anything else, it’s just that the appointments make it so evident how normal I am not…but that’s okay, I know I am a daughter of the King and am His beloved!

Peace in the Unknowns

2009-03-03T11:22:00.000-05:00

Kevin and I have been walking in many unknowns for the last several months. The unknown if we can ever conceive again, the unknown of when we would start trying again, the unknown of the future and what God is going to do with our lives.

In the midst of so many unknowns it is so hard to find that peace, you can find yourself caught up in the fear of the future that you lose sight of God and the fact that the future is in the palm of His almighty hand.

I have once again gotten sick, after flying in to PA to visit Jamie and Jodi I landed with a sore throat that progressed into a major sinus infection. I can’t seem to find health and I can feel Satan kicking me down with sickness. I know that God hates sickness and I know that in the midst of this sickness He is still in control and allowing me to get stretched beyond a point I ever thought I could go.

In the midst of all the unknowns Kevin and I are constantly seeking peace, seeking His voice, His hand, His plan. Although it is so hard at times we refuse to do anything less, and sometimes when I can’t seem to find that peace all I do is praise Him for who is, knowing and believing that He has great things planned for Kevin and I and our future!

The night before we found out we were losing Judah I was laying awake anticipating the ultra sound we were going to have the next day. We were anticipating finding out if we were going to have twins, it was a great possibility since my levels we so high. I can remember I kept asking God “God what will it be, one or two?” I can remember Gods response so clearly, “Beth, just wait and see what I have for you!” This has been a constant response as we seek God through all the unknowns.

I do truly believe with all my heart that God has the most perfect baby picked out for Kevin and I, I truly believe that God has the best in store for Kevin and I. Although I don’t know how it will come about, or how God will write our story, I do know I can expect great things from God.

So in the midst of all the unknowns right now please pray that Kevin and I would constantly hear God’s voice and nothing else, that we would have peace that passes understanding and that would stand on the promise to expect great things from God!

Your Very Best

2009-02-22T16:08:00.003-05:00

Remember to pause my music at the bottom of the screen before watching the clip!

I have watched this movie over and over again, and the scene above is one scene that has stuck with me over the years. Sometimes I feel like God is leaning over me in life and yelling the things that the coach is yelling. I feel like he encourages me and asking me constantly to give him my very best...

I feel like quiting sometimes, especially in this journey of wanting a baby, some days are just so hard. I often times feel like I have yelled to God that I can't do anymore- "it hurts," "it is to hard" and God continues to yell at me not to quit...to give him my VERY BEST, and He continues to encourage me every agonizing step I take.

I know that one day I will hold a baby in my arms- until that moment, as hard as it may be I will continue to do my very best!

Daniels blog and Moments framed have also been updated- Go check them out!!

The Hair Cut

2009-02-13T21:54:00.005-05:00

Here are a few pics of the dogs, I don't know how but I was able to find a some energy to give them haircuts! I wish I had taken a before but I did not think about it, so I was able to find one from awhile back....

They are so much fun!

Sickness and Waiting

2009-02-13T13:59:00.001-05:00

Well the last couple of days I have been sick. As I was throwing up I kept thinking “not again Lord…” Fortunately I had medicine left over from when I had food poisoning that I was able to take to stop the throwing up, now I am just dealing with a sore throat and weakness. The bummer part of being sick this time was that Kevin was in Houston, it is no fun being sick alone.

This sickness seemed to hit everyone around me. I was most concerned about Daniel and my 90 year old Nana; they both did get it but seem to be coming out on the other side fine. I know that this was just another kick from satan, especially since lately I have been really doing so well. When I wrote out that I was truly living I knew this was going to make satan so angry, he can kick all he wants, I will not be destroyed!

I have been praying about writing and sharing where Kevin and I are when it comes to trying again for a child. The past pregnancy really knocked me out not only physically but emotionally as well. As you all know I am just coming out on the other side and it has been a rough and rocky road, but I AM STILL STANDING! Part of this journey was waiting the six months to try. Once the six months approached I knew I was not ready to try again, at that moment we decided to go month by month in deciding when the best time would be, we are still waiting for the Lord to release our hearts so that we can try again.

I know some people don’t understand why we would wait, why we would want to wait when there is not guarantee when or how long it may take. I have had those same thoughts and fears. I am starting to realize that as much as I would like to think that having a child is in my control it is not, God is far bigger then my control. I just know what I feel in my heart, I want to be the best I can be when God decides to hand us the greatest gift of a child, and I feel as though each day I am closer to that moment.

I have hesitated in sharing with people this part of the journey because I know some don’t understand, but I don’t think any of us can understand Gods ways sometimes, but we can look back and see his amazing grace and his sufficient love. He is giving me strength to make it through this waiting, and I am sure there will be more days in waiting ahead. I know I can trust in Gods timing, Gods hands, Gods plans, and Gods amazing story for me!

With Springs Comes Expectancy

2009-02-10T12:18:00.001-05:00

Spring is such a representation of new life! It is amazing to me how much the weather really affects us. Now that it is getting warm and I am starting to see new life around our house it really does stir a feeling of new life in my heart.

In the last couple of weeks Kevin and I have heard news of family and friends who are rejoicing and celebrating their new pregnancy, their new life. As excited and joyful as we are for them of course there is a pain and sorrow that follows, as we so desperately want to experience all that they are experiencing.

What I am truly amazed at is that Kevin and I are experiencing new life, but within ourselves. I am daily preparing my heart, my mind, my body to one day be able to experience a new life growing within me. I am constantly praying that it would be God’s timing and not ours; this in itself is new life for me. I feel like the healing that has been taking place in the last few weeks has been God giving Kevin and me a new and vibrant life!

A couple of weeks ago at church our pastor prayed for those dealing with infertility, he prayed that we would have a heart of expectancy, and that is just what I have been having. I don’t know when or how God will bring children into our lives, I don’t know what our family is really going to look like, but I do have a heart of expectancy for all God is about to do.

I am starting to realize that in my life and in this journey I always want to have a heart that is always expecting God to do great thing, because that is the God I serve, He loves to do great and wondrous things, but they are not always what we want or how we want, but they will be greater then we could even imagine! The verse in Ephesians is my hope and my expectancy!

Ephesians 3:20
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us…

Awake With New and Vibrant Life

2009-02-04T16:02:00.002-05:00

July 2th I wrote a blog, it had only been a month after losing Judah so I was in the midst of my grief and healing. At the end of the blog I wrote:

“Right now God has me tightly in the palm of his hand protecting me and loving me, and asking everyone else, except for the people HE has chosen, to please leave the room so that he can bring the young girl who is “asleep” back to life. I am the young girl asleep right now, and in due time, I will rise with a new and vibrant life, and what a story we will have!”

Luke51
When he arrived at the house of Jairus, he did not let anyone go in with him except Peter, John and James, and the child's father and mother. 52Meanwhile, all the people were wailing and mourning for her. "Stop wailing," Jesus said. "She is not dead but asleep."53They laughed at him, knowing that she was dead. 54But he took her by the hand and said, "My child, get up!" 55Her spirit returned, and at once she stood up... "

I am here to say that God has awakened me, I am standing, praising, and for the first time in a long time I am truly living! He has healed me and wiped every tear from my face, he is the healer of my soul! I know that there will be tough days ahead, but I can now look back at where I was and where I am standing now and know that I can make it through!

I am thankful for my journey- and I know that this is not the end; really this is just the beginning. I do know that no matter what God allows into my life, or what Satan tries to send our way, Kevin and I will make it. I can honestly say that on this journey Kevin and I have never stopped praising our God, not for one second!

Daniel Bradley

2009-01-29T14:59:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking and in prayer for a long time about this post but sometimes I don’t know how to express what is my heart. The post I am about to write about is about the life of a 19 year old boy (I can’t use “man” even though that is what he is!!) named Daniel.

I have known Daniel for his entire life, his parents and my parents are best friends, and have been for over 20 years. I can remember feeling Daniel kick in Wendy’s (his mom) womb. Daniel has an older brother named David. David and Daniel grew up with us and we have always referred to them as our brothers, for truly in my heart that is what they are.

At a young age Daniel was diagnosed with DMD (Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy). That will be the last time I will ever write out the diagnoses, for we hate speaking the disease that I know the Lord does not see when He looks down over Daniel. The world needs a description and likes to place labels that do not belong on our lives (just like infertility in mine…). If you spend much time in Daniels life you will see that he and his family NEVER speak this word, they do not allow the description of the “world” to describe their lives. They always speak truth from Gods words, and they claim those of which Christ speaks, not what Doctors may say! I only write it out now so you understand how the world perceives Daniel.

However for 19 years I have walked along side of Daniel in a way I never imagined. I never imagined the Lord allowing me to be a part of such an amazing miracle and an amazing young man’s life. Although Daniel is the one in need of prayer, he is often times the one that prays for others. Daniels life is really about serving the Lord, speaking truth, and bringing people closer to his savior, that is his family’s mission in life.

Even now as I write I am frustrated, I do not feel as though there are the right words to describe all that is in my heart about this family, about this life, about this journey, and about all that God has done and is about to do. It is amazing that I can question Gods healing in my own life, but when I look at Daniel I do not question what God can do; I can see it, I can picture God raising Daniel out of the wheel chair, I can see Daniel walking and preaching the truth of the Gospel, I Can see it with EVERYTHING that is within me.

Sometimes we have to walk the rugged rocks and the hard path to see the mountain view, to see the face of God, to see his hand, his work, his amazing love…. If you had the easy path would you really ever see the love of God? That is how I see Daniel, he is walking the hardest of hard journeys, but when you look into the face of Daniel or the face of his family, you truly look into the face of God. I know that it is nothing of them; they give all the glory to the one who deserves it- God.

I am inviting you to come along side of Daniel, not only in prayer but in also spreading his story! I truly believe that impact and calling on Daniels life is just beginning, God has mighty things and a special call on this young man’s life… don’t you want to come along? The more people that hear about his story the more hope and faith we can spread, and the more prayer Daniel will have for his healing. Please be a part of his journey by checking into his blog- leave comments, he LOVES to hear from you!

I am not sure if my faith would be where it is now if it was not for the life and ministry of this family.

Click HERE for Daniels Blog

Just a Litte Aunt B Time

2009-01-29T11:51:00.003-05:00

On Friday night I had the greatest opportunity to hang out with my sister and my nephew and niece. We had such a great time and I enjoyed being with the kids so much! We made homemade pizza and played games until we were all exhausted. My nieces and nephews sometimes bring the greatest healing, I hold and love them as I long for my own children!

Here are a few of the fun pics from that night!!!

This is my fave- Owen fell asleep just as I was about to leave!

January 25, 2009

2009-01-25T19:45:00.003-05:00

I have been thinking and praying what I should write as today approached. Today is a day of many amazing birthdays, today is an emotional, exciting, and hard day. If you are reading this, today could even be your birthday (Stacey). For me today holds many difficult and exciting moments as each second on the hand of the clock tick by.

Four years ago today my sweet nephew Owen was welcomed into this world. How do I describe that moment when I heard that my sister gave birth to a sweet baby boy. I had only been married for a few months and I can remember the excitement I had when I got the phone call that He was born and he was a healthy 10lb baby boy! Happy Birthday Sweet Owen, I love you!!!!

Today, two years ago we said hello and goodbye to a sweet little girl, Selah. She is the daughter of my cousins Amy and Dan. I can remember the moment my mom called me to tell us Amy was in labor. Selah’s sweet life, although brief in time has impacted so many. Today I remember Selah, I remember her life, I remember my heart longing and asking God to allow her to live and grow with us here on earth, I remember praying for Amy and Dan as they allowed the Lord to call Selah home to his hands and loving arms. Today we say happy birthday our sweet Selah, you will forever hold a place in the hearts of those who love you baby girl!

Today a year ago I was given a due date of January 25th, Owen and Selah’s birthday would be shared by a little baby I thought I would get to bring into the world. God had other plans for our sweet little Eddie. Had our first child that we conceived had been healthy and God had allowed us to see that child to full term we would be celebrating a little boy’s 1st birthday. I can’t help but think about what theme I would go for, I can’t help but wonder if Owen and Eddie would have shared their birthday and celebrated together, I can’t help but wonder….

Today has many emotions, as I remember and think over what God has done in each of our lives. Last year I took flowers to my grandmother’s grave for Selah and Eddie. This year I did not… I decided come June on Judah’s birthday I will take flowers for all the babies that God has called home. My arms ache for my babies, but my heart is healing and today, although I grieve, I feel as though I am grieving in a healthy way- it is not self focused or sadness, it truly is grief wrapped in the joy that only God can give.

January 25, 2009- what a day this will forever be in my heart, it is a special day, and it will always be a special day- it is amazing how God can take an ordinary day and make it such a memorable day!

My Dogs Bring Many Smiles

2009-01-21T13:08:00.005-05:00

Here is a video of my dogs playing in the snow, you can't really see Zion because he is black, but Moab you can really see and he was having the most fun. Anytime it snows this it what he does, but because the snow was so moist he literally became a snow ball! The dogs constantly bring laughter and smiles into our home! God is such a creative God to give us joy like dogs!

REMEMBER TO PAUSE THE MUSIC AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.... I know it is a little hard to see but you get the picture!

YAY Snow!

2009-01-19T18:03:00.003-05:00

If you know me at all then you know I LOVE snow, always have and always will...so can imagine how excited I was when it started snowing and has just kept coming down! God is so good!

"Then" Where it all Began

2009-01-18T21:50:00.000-05:00

It all began when I was working for Woodmen Valley Chapel.

I worked with the middle school students and it was so large that we could not keep up with all the kids, so I started the blog – The Stories of Beth. It was pink and flamboyant, it was fun and exciting. I wrote to the kids, my students, and tried my hardest to share parts of my life with them.

Then I quit my job, I lost a baby and we moved….so the blog in many ways came to an end.

It was found by some of my cousins and wanting to keep up with me they encouraged me to write and post pictures. I changed the title to The Stories of the Tanners, removed the pink background and incorporated my husband into the mix. It was fun, it was light hearted, and in most ways it was a place to post pictures.

Then month after month would past, each one revealing yet another negative pregnancy test.

We watched more friends and family members have their dreams come true of having a family and we kept posting pictures of our dogs or recent projects on the house. Blogs that we enjoyed viewing became a place for photos of children, the latest toy bought or the nursery just finished, and once again Kevin and I continued our posts on the house, the dogs, or Kevin’s softball team. I felt that I was being left behind in every way.

Then we lost our second child.

It became a place for me to be real, to share exactly how I was feeling, in the midst of the most heartbroken moment. It became my journal of the journey God asked me to walk and so I titled it - Walking the Journey. On some of my darkest days it was my best friend. I was able to express myself without feeling the awkwardness that comes with face to face conversation.

Then I found friends.

A group of amazing girls, in the same lonely, heart wrenching boat that I was in, and yet our stories were a bit different our hearts were all longing for the same thing, a baby. Some of us have become close friends, we have never met but our hearts are tied together in unexplained ways. They understood my frustrations, grief, and met me where I was.

Then some of them got pregnant.

I am overjoyed for them! Never wanting to take a moment away from them, or wanting them to hold back on the moment I so long for. However I am once again finding myself watching them change their blog from trying to a blog about their growing family, I am faced with seeing positive pregnancy tests, ultra sound pictures and joy that I can only hope to have one day.

Then…

I continue to post, I continue to write, but not for anyone but for God, and as I write for God I am blessed! I can only hope and pray that someone stumbles upon my blog and is met face to face with the one and true God- the God who has carried me through all the “thens” and walked with me on the journey to motherhood!

Beautiful Rare Flowers

2009-01-13T00:11:00.002-05:00

God is so good! I have always known this, some days it is easier to believe then others, some day’s I have to say it like I believe it hoping that the belief will follow. Lately, God has been blessing us abundantly. The healing being released daily, but the biggest results are the good days outnumbering the bad, and that is true healing.

I am always amazed at who God brings into our lives at the right moments. Kevin and I both have always been blessed by friendships in our lives, and in our journey of moving so many times, we have really had the unique opportunity to meet some of the greatest people. You all have heard me mention my sweet and dear Jamie who I met in PA. As difficult as moves are, and transitions seem to be God always allows us to take away rare stones of friendships that will last a life time.

As I look back over my life I am truly amazed at the bouquet of friends God has chosen for my life. Each one filling the vase of life with a unique color, shape, and form- how creative our God is even with friendships!!!

As I have dealt with loss, and with the struggling of conceiving, I have felt many times that God has chosen to “pluck” a few weeds or dead flowers from the vase, and sometimes that is so hard. I feel as though if He is going to pluck a weed He should then replace it with a new “flower” seems simple enough. However, I am starting to realize that sometimes He has to change out the water, rearrange the flowers, and even sometimes change the vase to a newer vase, and this all takes time…HIS timing!

Kevin and I have had eight months of God doing such things in our lives….preparing us for the new flowers He is about to give us, and that is just what He has done, He in is infinite timing, wonder, and planning has placed beautiful FLOWERS in our lives.

We are starting to see that we ourselves as flowers, which were closed up for a time, are starting to open up not only for friendship but also to healing and love, allowing others in on the journey, and what a true blessing it has been.

God is so Good, today I am not just saying it, today I believe it!

This is what we (Kevin) did over New Year's...what did you do?

2009-01-12T17:16:00.001-05:00

Something Different!

2009-01-08T18:17:00.001-05:00

So, in the last couple of months I have been tagged by a couple of my girls in the blogging community! This is just a fun way to get to know each other; I have never done a tag before so I thought I would do one to sum up all the tags. I will not tag anyone at the end but only because the girls who have tagged me I would tag back and that would be redundant!
So here are seven random things about me that maybe you do or do not know about me. I think it will be good to do a post like this because it is something different! So I hope you enjoy!

1) My middle name is Allen (yes like a boy…) My Dad’s middle name is Allen, so they gave my older brother the middle name, then when my sister came along they decided to name her with same middle name, so when it was my turn to grace the world they decided to keep with the pattern, and so “Elizabeth Allen” is my name and name to keep. I used to hate it but now I like it!

2) I Broke my arm and had to have surgery to get back to normal when I was in 5th grade jumping off a wall, I broke my ankle in half climbing up a slide when I was in 7th grade, I have been known as “accident prone” because of this and not to mention…getting slammed in the face by a softball 8th grade, cutting my foot pushing off a boat propeller, cutting my knee on scissors, twisting my ankle…and a few others I am sure I am forgetting to mention.

3) I had braces when I was in 5th grade, then again in 8th grade, and now at 27 I am embracing the braces look again!

4) I hate seafood, any kind, any place, anywhere; I have never liked it and am not sure I ever will….
5) I don’t eat chocolate….I have given it up off and on, I have never been one to crave it

6) I have never enjoyed school or liked school, I have always struggled with learning disabilities, I use to always wonder why but now I embrace that this is just how God created me and am thankful He gave me such an amazing husband!

7) I am most like my dad, the only child in our family with brown eyes, and look at life a lot like him, although over the years in my home, my life and my relationship with the Lord I have grown to be much like my mom, the women who is the greatest mentor in my life!

I hope you all enjoyed, I really had a good time doing this, and sometimes it is nice to write about things other than my current journey. I will let you know I am doing really well; we are starting to see more and more good days outnumber the bad days. God is constantly challenging and encouraging me, and I can feel the warmth of his presence more and more in my life!

Not Looking for Easy

2009-01-05T09:19:00.001-05:00

I have been pondering for a while now what I should write, no words seem to hit the nail on the head, to give justice to what I am feeling regarding the new year or the fact that eight months have come and gone since Judah, or the emotions of getting past the due date, or the reality that before I know it I will be facing a year.

This journey of trying for a child has overwhelmed me at times, and left me fighting for my breath. The journey of loosing Eddie to an ectopic pregnancy left me confused and empty, and then to face a molar pregnancy with Judah, well this has knocked me out. I sometimes feel the healing, but even when I don’t feel it I do know that I am healing.

When I look ahead to 2009 I am thankful for a new year, there is a bit of loss as I move ahead and realize that leaving behind 2008 is leaving behind one of the most exciting moments of my life, finding out I was pregnant. In the midst of all the sorrow sometimes Kevin and I go back to that simple moment of pulling that pregnancy test form the trash can and seeing its two lines, and for 6 weeks we had joy, I hold onto that with everything that is within me. However 2008 was not an easy year, 2007 was not an easy year.

As I look ahead into 2009 I am not looking for the easy street, in fact my heart knows that this journey will not be easy, that the Christian walk is not easy, being in the fire refined by God is not easy. No I am not looking for easy, but I do know the last 7 months, and however many months God has decided to give me, I have been in recovery, but only to come out stronger and fighting with more vengeance.

I may have been knocked out, but I have not been killed, which means I will come out swinging harder and fighting more. I don’t know what the future holds for Kevin and I, I don’t know if children are what the Lord has planned for us, and I would be lying if I did not say how fearful I am to try again. It is not easy, but then again, we are not looking for easy!

So, as for now I enjoy this time of healing, of remembering, of crying, and I know that Lord has great things planned for Kevin and me, we hold onto to that. So I don’t move forward to 2009 but I move forward to the Lord and my deeper, stronger, relationship with Him. For that the fight is worth it!

Looking Back

2008-12-27T19:17:00.002-05:00

I have thought about writing all day, but what do you say? How can you describe the heart ache or the grief that you are feeling? Really there are no words.

As I awoke this morning I could not help but think to myself that God knew there would never really be a due date for my little ones, this day is really just like any other day, except that I remember more, but the grief is the same as it was yesterday and the day before that.

As I think over the months and all I have been through, the mountains I have climb the valleys I have sat in, the rivers I have found healing in I realize that really I am just starting this journey, and as I look back and remember all the dark days, bright moments, fearful times and healing minutes I realize just how far I have come, and as I turn around and see the looming mountains, deep valleys, and rivers to cross I realize just how far I have to go. But that is life, which is how it is for each one of us.

I am learning to not compare, and although I feel as though Kevin and I have been asked to walk a hard journey, there are journeys for all of us. Some of us are changed by them, allowing God to mold us into who He has created us to be, other of us tend to get harder, bitter and turn our back on God who loves us the most. I never want to be that person.

As I sit here and type, the tears fall freely, but not because of what I have lost but rather of what I have gained, because of the great pain I am closer to my Father then I could have ever imagined being. I am a changed person, blessed beyond words and honestly can say that I want nothing more then what God wants to give me.

He is making me whole, restoring me and saving me, healing me and wiping each tear from my face! Yes the pain is there, the ache is overwhelming, but the sacrifice…is worth it.

I have been so overwhelmed by all the text messages, phone calls, emails and flowers brought to my door, each one making me stop and pause and sometimes let the tears fall more. Please know how much I appreciate them, they have meant more then you could ever know.

This Christmas was special, and I enjoyed the day and enjoyed my time, and although my heart was heavy my spirit was full of joy. I know that your prayers carried Kevin and I through the difficult days, thank you!

Psalm 86:15-17

"but you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in loving kindness and truth. turn to me, and be gracious to me; oh grant your strength to your servant, and save the son of your handmaid. show me a sign for good, that those who hate me may see it and be ashamed, because you, O Lord, have helped me and comforted me.

Celebrating Sorrow

2008-12-21T17:09:00.002-05:00

Kevin left for Florida this morning. Kevin and I rarely do anything apart from each other, one of the true blessings of our marriage- we love to be together. However given how sick I was for a couple of weeks and still not recovered we finally made the difficult journey that I would stay behind.

It is lonely without him; there are only so many Lifetime Christmas movies you can watch. The house is quite and the spirit of Christmas is upon us but sorrow seems to be the greater spirit in my heart. I am falling into it, not rejecting it or trying to run from it.

As I was lying in bed with Kevin last night I shed tears for so many reasons. My tears ran freely because Kevin was leaving, but also because I so desperately miss my children, my heart has been prepared to be a mother and yet I don’t have my baby to love, and sometimes I am not sure what to do with my aching arms and longing heart.

As I celebrate the birth of my King I will also celebrate what should have been, I will celebrate a life that was, a life that could have been, and a life we will one day meet. There is much to celebrate in the midst of sorrow, there is much to have joy about in the midst of grief, and although my tears are shed, I still raise my hands to my Father and give Him thanks for what he HAS done and what He WILL do.

We have much to look forward to, we have much we can appreciate, but for the next week we will remember the past, we will remember the pregnancy test, the celebration of Judah’s life from the first day. We will remember the past of Mary the virgin and the miracle of her birth to a King, we will remember His life, what it was, and what it still IS!

And although their is sorrow, their is celebration, of what was, what is, and what is to come!

If This Does not Make you Smile I am not Sure What Will!

2008-12-17T14:13:00.005-05:00

Remember to pause the music at the bottom of my page so you can hear the kids!

I enjoyed watching my nephew in his Christmas play today, It brought such a joy to my heart and a smile to my face! I hope you enjoy watching all these cute little ones, my nephew is in the green!

Merry Christmas from the Tanners

2008-12-15T13:32:00.001-05:00

Unwritten Christmas Cards...

2008-12-11T13:27:00.001-05:00

I have many unwritten Christmas cards sitting in my house that I made by hand. I stare at them and don’t know where to began, I sit down to write out a Christmas letter and don’t know what to say or how to say it, and it is just too much.

For those of you, who have followed my blog, thank you! It means so much to me that many of you have caught a glimpse of my heart and have followed, encouraged, and prayed for me along the way. It is amazing how some people have decided to stop reading because it made them feel uncomfortable or they did not like how or what I was writing, it has hurt my heart so much. But then there are those of you, who are so faithful, so encouraging and so incredible, and there will never be enough or the right words to say thank you.

I am not sure that Christmas cards will be sent out this year from Kevin and I, we just did not expect all the bumps and potholes in the road that have made this Christmas season a little more difficult for us. I can barely find the strength to buy Christmas gifts or to even think of ideas. Kevin has offered to take all of this on, and I know he will be of great help, but I am not sure how this season will play out.

As Kevin and I discussed these things last night I told him this was a reminder of last year, I was going through my first loss, we were trying to decide whether we should travel or not, we were not sure about Christmas cards, gifts, or anything else and here I sit, a year later with another loss and the same but stronger grief.

It puts the Christmas time in such a new perspective because it really is not about the gifts, cards, trees, lights, or anything else, but it is so much more, so much deeper and when you have been so strip and humbled of everything it makes you go to the real meaning of Christmas, the real miracle and that is all you can hold onto, that is where the pure Joy is…in Christ.

So if you normally receive Christmas cards from Kevin and I, I am sorry if you do not get one this year, please understand that we were not expecting me to be in the hospital (again) or that we would have been out of town for such a long time. We are also coming up on the due date of Judah, December 27, is the date we hold onto, it is just so much to get through this season. I just wanted you to know that we appreciate each of you; we love you guys and can’t thank God enough for the family and friends God has given to us. Sometimes the only way I can fall asleep at night is to repeat my blessings, and every time the readers of this blog (my family and friends) are mentioned, you give me strength! We love you!!

Six Months...

2008-12-09T15:22:00.000-05:00

I can remember the words perfectly; “you must wait six months to try…” I can remember their impact upon my heart as my doctor said them. I can remember Kevin’s arms around me and I can remember repeating over and over in my head that we would make it. I can remember it like it was yesterday, it was not yesterday it was six months ago today. June 9th, and now six months later I sit here in my home (yes we made it home!) and wonder where the time and days went and now what do we do. It seems simple, that we get to try again, but it is not so simple, there is much healing that still needs to take place and now after a week and half of food poisoning I cannot think of anything but still getting better.

Kevin and I are learning to live our lives by the moment, trying not to anticipate what the future is, because so far neither of us ever thought that this is where God would have us be. It is a good lesson to learn, a good life lesson, one I hope I can keep learning. I have to trust the Lord by the moment; I have to trust the Lord for each second of my life, never knowing where one moment will lead us next.

As I look back over the last six months, I see my relationship with Kevin closer and tighter then it has ever been. The foundation of our relationship does not rely on having children; it does not rely on our hopes and dreams, wants and wishes, it relies on the foundation of God. Because of that Kevin and I are stronger, not only as individuals but as a couple, nothing can separate us, or question our relationship with one another, and for this I am thankful for. Kevin and I have lived a lot of life together in the last 4 ½ years of our marriage and I would not trade, change, or ask for anything different.

As we grieve the loss of our second child, we grieve with joy, and as contradicting as that might sound I am learning that it is not so contradicting as it seems, now walking this journey it makes perfect harmony because the joy I have eternally is only given by my heavenly father, a joy indescribable and unbelievable!

Coming Out on the Other Side

2008-12-06T10:31:00.002-05:00

Well it has been an adventure to say the least. We are still here in Indiana and are still not sure when we will return home, we are hoping Monday. I have been to urgent care twice and finally went back into the emergency room for more fluids and another round of tests. Looks like it is still pointing to a bacterial infection. The last Doctor we had could not have been more helpful and stated our circumstances just as Kevin and I have often felt "That's a shit load of stuff...." Ha, I had to laugh in the midst of my pain.

God is good, and I am able to keep some food down and am starting to feel so much better, I have been able to rest a lot more with the pain medicine that the doctor gave me and that has helped so much. It is snowing here and for the first time I am feeling a little bit like Christmas, although I don't think this season will be anything but remembering our baby and the birth of Christ.

We can't thank you enough for all the prayers, they have been needed and are still needed. We are all ready to get back to our home, but we know it will be when God says it is time. We are coming out on the other side still standing, still praising, still loving our God!

Riding Out the Storm

2008-12-02T10:23:00.000-05:00

Satan really does hate me! This will be a quick post as I am barely able to sit up right now. I had a wonderful thanksgiving and time with Kevin’s grandparents was such a blessing. However, Friday night I got violently ill, resulting in a hospital visit Sunday morning. I was extremely dehydrated and could not keep anything down; the Doctors ran a lot of test, gave me a lot of fluids and told me I had food poisoning, and a Urinary track infection. I have since then been trying to ride out the storm.

We are back an Indi, and poor Kevin’s work has been nothing but battle after battle looks like we will stay here for another week and not return home until Sunday. When I was lying in the hospital I looked at Kevin who also looked so weak and tired and said “we can’t catch a break.” It is true, we can’t, but I have to believe it is because WE refuse to stop praising the Lord, I will continue to praise and I will continue to seek him, I hold on to the promises of the Lord and know he was on that bathroom floor with me, we will make this and come out on the other end strong. However, right now I am so weak, and sick, so please be praying for both Kevin and I!

Also if you have emailed me in the last four days and I have not written back please know it is not becuase I am ignoring you, I honestly can't do much of anything right now, but lay in one spot waiting for the cramping to stop...Thanks!

Giving Thanks with Empty Arms

2008-11-26T14:58:00.001-05:00

I am amazed that tomorrow is Thanksgiving; I am amazed that all the leaves have fallen and that the cold of winter is upon us, I am amazed that months have passed, minutes have come and gone, and soon we will be welcoming in a new year.

I am overwhelmed how quickly time has come and gone, how much Kevin and I have come through, and grown from. Soon I will have the last of the blood drawn for these six months, soon I will be faced with the due date that should have been, the baby that should have come, and the moment that should have been celebration rather then grieving. Soon…all too soon.

Sometimes I don’t feel strong enough to face the days to come, but I have to remember the days I have already faced, that are now in the past, and I have to remember I am still standing and still praising God. So even though I know that the hard days ahead of me they will not make me stumble, but just because I have fallen on my knees does not mean that I want to get up, I am okay here on my knees, it is where I am most comfortable in my heart right now.

The last couple of weeks have been full of baby announcements; we were for a short time walking with these couples who are now holding their babies in the arms. At this time, this season, my arms ache with heaviness and emptiness. Oh how I long to hold my babies, whisper in their ears, try to make them smile, watch Kevin embrace them for the first time, how I long to feel their warmth in my arms, to smell them and touch them, and let them know how much I love them.

So all I can do, is lift these weak and weary arms to Christ, knowing he will fill them, and even though they still ache with heaviness, and emptiness they will always be filled with love for my little ones.

So in light of Thanksgiving I must tell you that as mother with empty arms, my heart is full this season, full of love and anticipation for what is to come, what God has already done, and how much He has already given to us. One day I will be able to hold my babies, I will see them, touch them, and love them, but now I must know in my heart that they are safe in the mighty arms of Christ, and for that I am thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving family, enjoy your family this season, and if you are one that is able to hold your miracle in your arms, please hold them and hug them a little closer the season for me and for all the mothers who will celebrate this Thanksgiving with empty arms but full hearts!

Psalm 121: 1-8

2008-11-24T10:50:00.002-05:00

We are doing well, and had such a relaxing weekend! I can’t express to you how good my God is to allow Kevin and me a trip like this. When I spoke to my mentor a few weeks back she asked me when and if Kevin and I had had the opportunity to go on a vacation, of course with the economy the way it is we felt as though staying put was the best decision, I have been praying for a vacation and time away alone with Kevin since we lost Judah- and although Kevin is having to work, we had the whole weekend just the two of us, God is so good.

I have been studying the Psalms and mediating on a few of them with Beth Moore, this is a huge step in my process of healing, as reading the word never came easy to me in the last couple of years. This is one that I was on a couple of days ago and it deeply registered with in my soul.

Psalm 121 1-8
I look up to the mountains—

does my help come from there?

2 My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth!
3 He will not let you stumble;

the one who watches over you will not slumber. 4 Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps.
5 The Lord himself watches over you!

The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.

6 The sun will not harm you by day,

nor the moon at night.
7 The Lord keeps you from all harm

and watches over your life.

8 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,

both now and forever

It is interesting because this particular Psalm was written about the pilgrim’s journey ascending Jerusalem- a journey, a path, a distance, the ups downs and everything in between, I love this and I love even more what Beth Moore says about it…

“He (the traveler) looks at the hills in the distance, wondering and probably even fearing what might be on the other side. He anticipates the long, arduous journey ahead and, like all of us, wishes he could arrive in the blink of an eye rather than feel the effects of life on the road.” Beth Moore-

You could put my name in there, and I am sure whoever is reading this feels as though you could put your name in there, anyone in this economy feels as though they could put their name in there! These are uncertain times, not only in my life as walking the path of wanting a child, but in the path of everything it seems. I look ahead and all I see are looming mountains, I look behind and all I see are the mountains I have already come from, and I often times think, Lord can I make this? And the reply is steady, consistent, loving and patient; the reply is always “YES!” And he whispers into each of our ears,

“I will not let you stumble, I will never sleep, I will watch over you, stand beside you and be your shade, I will keep ALL harm from you and I will watch over your life, there is no place you can go that I will not watch, both now and FOREVER!” -God

And with that is there anything more we need? Anything more we can fear? Anything more we need to know? Today that is what I hold onto, Today and forever more!